Hello July

Hello July,

It has been a while, July. What? Like a whole year since the last time we visited, right? I hate to say it, but I have to be honest with you. You aren't my favorite month. In fact, you might possibly be my least favorite month. With your heat and humidity and endless sun, boredom ensues so easily 'round here. You lend yourself to whining and sleeping with the fan on and mosquito bites and bickering siblings and faded hair color. Not this year though. This summer, together, we can change things. It won't be easy, I doubt you are going to compromise that much. And like it has been in all the other areas of my life, I am going to have to be the one to embrace refinement. That's what we do in our day to day isn't it? Refine it. Mold it. Make it what we want it to be. It used to be that I would blame others for what is wrong with my life and expect them to change. But now I know that I need to look at me first. You are lucky there, July. I am not completely blaming you for what is wrong with summer. My attitude is part of the problem.

Here is what I am thinking should happen, Mr. Month. We need to lighten up and laugh a little more. We need to wear our hair in big tails and we need to have more tea parties and teach the kids to cross their eyes. We need to acknowledge that a lack of structure, though it sounds tempting, doesn't work for us. We need activities, we need a plan of attack, I mean, fun. Let's turn the TV off and turn the radio up. Let's have backyard picnics and take naps under the maple tree or watch clouds float by. I promise to say YES! more and no less. I'll let go of expectations if you will give me a rainy day here or there, please. We can squirt water guns and color on the side walk more. We can disconnect more from technology and connect to each other and our hearts.

Seriously, I don't think you realize just what a commitment this will be for me. It goes against my grain to think that summer has possibilities. I know I sound like a baby, but at least I am willing to try. Right? It's just you and me, July, for the next 31 days. Here is hoping we can find a way to get along.

Yours Truly,
Kerry

Nervousness

This was me, this morning, just moments before my phone was set to ring with a very very important call. I was thinking, "Oh my stars... am I really doing this?" I was a huge ball of nervous jitteriness, can you see it in my eyes? It took so much effort to contain my smiles and excitement. (There are many a photo in my files now of me laughing too, but those I am keeping to myself.) I wanted to capture a snippet of it, of that excitement. I want to remember this moment and the butterflies that I had bubbling inside my innards. It really is amazing what nervous energy can accomplish, I tell ya. I was up, showered, hair done, and make up on, having an orange and a glass of water (no coffee) by 6:30am.

I am so tempted to tell you all what is going on behind the scenes here. I just can't though. Not yet. Rest assured it is big, and it would mean some pretty major life changes. Not-throw-your- family-in-the-back-of-a-pick-up-truck-and-move-to-another-state kinda life change (the kind I experienced with my parents more times than I can count as a child), but the kind of change that is pivotal. There are two paths before me, and I may need to choose which direction I want to take my art/life/career. I am proud of myself for seeking out the chance to have a choice of paths. I heard a whisper in my heart at the thought of an opportunity and I didn't quiet it. I turned it up full volume and went for it. It is scary and exhilarating at the same time. One of the best feelings in the world, if you ask me, and I hope y'all get to feel it in your own lives now and then.

The events of the past 24 hours had another effect on me... no studio time. I was knee deep in research (oh my, was that a little hint?) I am trying to get in there though!! I got stuff needs doing and things that need making. Many hands shaking like leaves isn't going to help much, but I am gonna try. Here is a little sneak peak at beads that will be available later this week... Friday or Saturday maybe. Wicked cool 80's stripey rounds, and wildly layered mod dots. Cool huh?


Anywho... thanks for letting me get out of a bit of excitement here and understanding my secrecy. Hopefully the suspense doesn't have to last for too much longer.

Between Me & Me

me: you can't do that...
myself: yes I can.
me: are you crazy? don't... you can't do that...
myself: yes. I . can.
me: OMG... I can't believe you just did that! You did NOT just do that.
myself: yes, yes, I did.
me: Kerry, that sweater took you over a month to make. How in the world could you just rip it out like that?
myself: cause, I didn't love it. I do love the yarn though. I would run away and marry this yarn. This yarn is my favorite. I couldn't waste it.
me: you could have given the sweater a chance... it could have grown on you... you could have learned to like it.
myself: Kerry, you know me... if I don't like it, I don't like it... and you know dang well I would never wear it.
me: but all that time and effort...
myself: this new sweater, its gonna be even better. it is gonna ROCK... I promise I will love this one... you'll see
me: you better love it... I am NOT going to let you get away with this again
myself: yeah, fine... whatever.
me: oh shut up and knit your stupid new sweater.

Brown Tract Pond - Camping

This weekend, we packed up our van, threw the kids in the car, and headed up into the Adirondack Mountains for our first ever family camping trip (with our friends, the LaPlant/Ogden family). Let me just say, I. Don't. Camp. Every camping experience I have ever had has been miserable. From being kept up by exit signs while sleeping on a big cabin floor during girl scouts, to a family trip to Massachusetts when I was 12ish where the state received a record rain fall while were we there camping for my uncle's wedding. It just never works out. LOL.

With encouraging from Ron and our family friends, I agreed to give it another go. The Ls picked the place, Brown Tract Pond (near Raquette Lake) and as fate would have it... I had been there before. In June of 1977, my parents and my dad's best friend Harold (Uncle Harold to me) went to the same park. And... Mom was pregnant with me. I had seen there photo album from the trip dozens of time, but never noticed the name of the place they had stayed. My Dad dug the album out of storage for me and I thought it would be fun to do a side by side of then and now. I set out to retake the same photos that my Mom did back then. Better then the usual look-at-all-the-fun-things-we-did photos, right?

My Dad wrote me this note to go with the photos of their trip...

Kerry -

Looking back, this was a very exciting & adventurous weekend for us (as for you) - but no kids - except the excitement of you on the way - - -

We were the only ones at the campsite. We had to assess the Island to see if we could jump. We had a raft that leaked air & we left the pump on the Island. Had to race back to get it.

When you blog ?!!**? Make sure you mention the 1967 Super Sport Impala Convertible I bought for $3, there is a pic.




Looks like the took off the governor's name and added a distance marker instead. The road leading into the site is a rocky dirt road all curvy and hilly.




I think their tent would have been harder to put together then ours. Those poles all go at funny angles! Ours sleeps 6 and we got it on clearance at Target a few years back. This is the first time it has left our yard. I am sure my parents' tent has seen a few more places then ours too.




Dad said they had to "assess" the water to see if it was deep enough to jump into. My boys were fearless and just jumped in. Though Andrew did have to check things out from this higher location. There was 4 spots you could jump from... small, medium, large, and extra large heights. This spot the boys are on is the large one. Comparing the rock forms now... I think that Dad and Uncle Harold were on a different rock completely.




That is my Mom sitting in a tiny raft behind Uncle Harold. She was about 18 at the time. My parents married when she was 17... and she was 19 when I was born. On Saturday, the boys decided they would row us out to the island for our second day of rock jumping. A huge thanks to my friend Lindsey's Dad (who actually went to school with my Dad, small world) for lending us his canoe. I don't think we would have made it on a leaky raft, lol.





Yep, that is my Dad in the top photo... and Jacob in the middle one... then, me in the bottom one. Crazy huh? I couldn't get the canoe to hold still long enough to get the exact same shot, but I think these turned out very cool.




How they rolled... and how we roll...




The kids are very curious to know who paints this rock.




It was funny, when I took the photo of Dad's picture for this post, the back of the picture said "Browns Pond Mall". Dad was convinced it wouldn't still be there, but it was. It has been painted and boarded up... the gas stations are gone and the stairs too. It still has the same shell though.

If I was to write a note to my Dad about our trip I would say...

Dad -

I know I said I didn't want to go on this trip about 100 times, but I am glad I did. It is so cool to think that you and Mom and me walked on the same beach and the same rocks 32 years apart.

The kids loved every minute of the trip and couldn't wait to get on the phone to tell you about jumping off the rocks, just like you did. We let the kids row us to shore the first day and Andrew said "This is wonderful... isn't it wonderful?" And there was true wonder in the tone of his voice. I am glad they got to experience it.

Make sure Mom shows you all the other pictures!!

Love, Kerry

As for the "other pictures"... the look-at-all-the-cool-things-we-did ones... I'll share those ones tomorrow.

Tales of The Taping

(aka... what happened on Thursday?)

After a rather restless nervous night of sleep, I was up bright and early on Thursday. My make up was due to be done at 8am and I needed to get in early to set up (or so I thought). Running on the adrenaline of excitement along, no coffee, I was up at 6am... showered, dressed, and checked out of the hotel by 7:15am. Did you notice what I was wearing in the photo with Jean yesterday? Yep... SueBeads, come collect your give-away prize! I did end up wearing the same top that I wore in the head shots I had done a few months back. Sue, just send me an email with your address, I will get a goodie in the mail to you.

Now back to the tale.

The Beechwood Studios are just around the corner from the hotel we were all staying at. I was there bright and early, ready to get my stuff set and make up on. But, um, yeah, I was a little over eager I think, lol. No one else was there yet but a fella named Billy that was setting up the set.





Slowly but surely everyone else started to trickle in. I set my things up on a huge shiny silver tray in the green room (makes for easy switching of 'stuff' after each segment is finished) and then, I waited... and waited... and waited. The order got mixed around and instead of being first on the make up list, I was third. I didn't mind. I got to hang out in the green room and chat more with the other artists and see the goodies they would be showing.



Melanie was there to talk about Steampunk. I am sure you have heard of it. If not... just ask her, she is an expert! In fact, she wrote an article for Beadwork magazine all about it (though, I can't seem to find a link, sorry). And Jean has a new book coming out about Steampunk style jewelry. Cool huh?



Jean was the first to film. She has been on the show a few times and the producer thought it was a good idea to have her go first so us newbies could have a good example. GREAT IDEA!! Jean, though she said she gets nervous, was wonderful. She is so knowledgeable about the things she talks about. You can tell she is the kind of person that likes knowing about what she talks about, she reads about... finds out more... finds out all she can. You know what I mean? And if she isn't that way... she sure has me fooled! I think she is awesome, can you tell?



Soon it was my turn! A big thanks to Diane Hawkey for running around the set while I was setting up and snapping pictures for me. You know, I didn't really know what my make up looked like until I got home and downloaded all the photos. HA! I don't wear make up. If I do, it isn't more then a line of eye shadow and some mascara. This is for two reasons, I am allergic to everything and I can't wear a ton of make up and two... I am lazy about it. I think I have fairly nice skin, I don't want to cake on a lot of product. I am pony tail and jeans kinda girl. I told that to the make up artist, who has been in the biz for more the 30 years!, and she said she would keep it light and clean. Her work on everyone was wonderful. Just a shock to my system, though. And looking at the photos, I feel like I look like Weeble, with a spare tire of a belly, that got made up like a China doll. Oh well. I am who I am, right?



This is me, with the show's host, Katina. Just so you know, I hate this picture... so moving on.



Set up took about 5 mins. Then, the producer sat on a stool in front of Katina and me and said "so talk me through what we are doing". We basically made up the script right there on the spot. It is funny... they tell you not to look at the camera and just pretend like you were having a conversation right before Katina turns and says "I am here today with...". So we are looking at each other and nodding, but we weren't saying anything, lol. Would you believe we shot my segment in one take? YEAH! JUST ONE!! But oh how I wanted another one!! Things went fine, everyone said I was a natural (though I think they were just saying that), I sat and talked to Katina and showed her how I make a fun pendant from my book. We did it all with about 10seconds to spare. Which is good, because they are going to need to edit in a cover shot of my book. I was supposed to have the book there on the table to show as reference, but the cover isn't ready yet.

The entire thing was 15 mins. I drove four hours, went to dinner, stayed in a hotel, got up at 6am, had make up done and stressed about what to wear... all for 15min. But it is MY 15mins and I so loved it.

Now, I could have left at 11am and drove back home to NY. Could have had my tile floor grouted by dinner and been lounging in the back yard with a glass of wine, BUT NO WAY!! Nothing was gonna make me miss seeing the other gals do their bits. (I did have to wash the make up off, lol... my eyes started to burn and water... told ya I was allergic to everything.)

Melanie was up next. I think she was the most nervous of us all. But I could be wrong. She was so quiet in the green room. She did really great though. She showed this really cool trick to taking a bead made of natural brass and popping it open and using it to set a cabochon. Which has me thinking.... hmmmm? What is there was a Steampunk carnival and I was the ring master? What kind of wild and crazy colorful, yet dingy and tooled kinda jewelry would I wear? There would definitely be stripes involved... and spray paint...





Diane was up after Melanie and I LOVE this picture!! Diane was doing a clay segment about how to make one of her signature heart beads with a special word on it. She kept having to wash the clay off her hands.

Once the tapings wrapped up, we were treated to lunch at the studio. The four of us, Jean, Melanie, Diane and I sat up in the atrium for a while after everyone left and talked. Diane has the very best estate sale story ever. Jean told us about how hard it is to get books published these days. It was such good conversation. I love those ladies. :)



And here is where my tale winds down. After lunch it was time to hit the road and head back home. There is a rest stop on I90 between Erie PA and Buffalo NY. I stopped there on my way down to Cleveland and then again on the way back. On the way down, I had a plain ol' bathroom stall with no graffiti, but on the way home... when I was feeling yucky about the outfit I chose, and my chubby cheeks... my bathroom stall said this...



Funny how the universe throws things at you.

In 3...2...1...

Yeah, they really counted down and everything!! But I am jumping ahead in the Tales of Taping a Bead Baubles & Jewels segment.

Back to the beginning.

Wednesday morning I was a nervous wreck as previously posted. My laid-back-too-busy-with-other-things-to-worry-about-it attitude flew out the window and I hunkered down to prepare for the show. I did a run through of my segment a few times while packing up all the supplies, tools and materials needed to the segment. After that I vacuumed my van for the 4 hour drive down to Cleveland, grabbed a quick shower, and headed out the door. I took a quick detour before hitting the interstate. I ran into the library and picked up the book Beautiful Lies by Lisa Unger on CD to listen to on the ride down. (I know you are giggling about that... Kerry don't you have an iPod with iTunes? can't you just download something to listen to?... no I can't and I don't and I won't... I like the library, and I like my CDs.)



The drive down was great. No traffic, no construction, beautiful billowing clouds. And I got completely lost in the story I was listening too. It totally erased my nerves! I was in Ohio by 4:00. I checked into the hotel... practiced doing my hair for the next morning (yes, we get our make up done, but have to do our own hair... ask my sister, I HATE doing my hair! it is all about controlling root direction and I suck at controlling root direction.) Then I waited... and waited. Bored.



While surfing Facebook, Melanie Brooks binged me a message that she was in the hotel too, with Diane Hawkey, did I want to come down to their room? Well OF COURSE I do!! So we chit chatted for a while. Talked about the different segments we had planned. Exchanged publishing stories... Melanie is in Chain-Style too! (and Creative Jewelry, and Beadwork, and Step By Step Beads)It was a great way to pass the time until dinner.



Dinner was fan-freaking-tastic!! The crowd was Kathie Stull (show producer), Katherine (also with the show), Marc and Audrey from Rio Grande, Marlene Blessing (Beadwork Magazine Editor In Chief), Leslie Rogalski (Step By Step Beads Editor In Chief), Marcia DeCoaster (one of Beadwork magazine's Designers of the Year), Melanie and Diane. (I linked to blogs, y'all know you would go there anyway, I just made it easier for you.) Plus one extra special guess I was super excited to finally get to meet in person... Jean Campbell!



Why was I so excited to meet Jean? It is a secret I haven't gotten to share with you yet. Now here it is... Jean is editing my book! We have been emailing each other daily for weeks now and a few nerve calming phone calls too. What an amazing treat to have her there at the taping, doing three segments of her own, to give me pointers and chat in the green room. Over dinner I got a big high five in celebration of finishing the edits of my book. I also got to hear the tale of how she got started in publishing. It is an interesting story.

There are so many things from dinner I want to remember. Jean's story, Marcia's endless curiosity (she asked lots of questions, all things I was dying to know), being asked to contribute on a new magazine, and hearing I almost had a second cover this summer. We were back to the hotel by 9:30, and I had to get some sleep for the big night, but of course I was too excited!!

More tomorrow on what happened the next day... I don't think I could fit it all in one post if I tried.

Long Distance Phone Call

This photo is a little deceiving. I don't think you can tell much about this necklace from this one little picture. It is so cool! Those beads are hollow and BIG! I would say they are slightly smaller then ping pong balls, but not much smaller. And those coil, swirly links, they are about 3inches long (or 10inches of coil straightened out). It is a great summer length, about 22 inches. Lots of colors too, of course.

Anyone bored of jewelry? LOL. I AM!! Two solid weeks of new jewelry designs everyday and I am bored outta my skull with my blog. We need a little more life thrown in here. Which has been going on in the background. I have been knitting my fingers to the bones on my Buttercup top. Andrew is finishing up his baseball season with his last game on Friday night. And speaking of Andrew, I started picking out the fabrics for his birthday quilt. Remember, I made Lauren a birthday quilt and I said I wanted to make each kid one. Designing a quilt is fun and nerve wracking. What if my measurements are off?!? LOL. Oh, I signed me and the kids up at the YMCA for the summer. Should be fun! We spent the evening at a place called The Epicenter. They have electronic bikes, wii's, ant wall, indoor playground/swing set thing, and more. It was great!

Back to business though... Tonight is the night!! I will be at the Gallery Store inside the Memorial Art Gallery from 6-9pm. I was talking to Ron last night and told him just how nervous I am about this. People are going to get to see my new designs in person for the first time! What if they don't like them? Eeeekkkk. I think it will be fine. And I hope to see some of you there!!

In A Bit Of A Pinch

Okay... I am in the throws of a minor panic attack. I lost the week somewhere and I need it back!! I ended up staying up past midnight making beads for a last minute project for the presentation of the new book. And I was up at 6am to working things for next week's photoshoot at Interweave Press. I know if I can just breathe, I can get it all done.

Why did I agree to work on two books at once? LOL.

Re-Inspired Junk Collection

Okay, to be perfectly honest, I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment. I have been working behind the scenes on new jewelry designs for this summer. The process has been awesome. It makes me all giddy and excited. At the same time though, I am very unsure. I am worrying, holding them close, and not wanting to share. I have six new pieces sitting on me desk and I can't decided it they are genius or junk. I don't think you all could stand another fluffy post about nonsense on this blog so it is time to share what I have been working on...

"Respired" is the first piece in the "Re-Inspired Junk Collection". You had to know that if I was going to jump on the repurposed jewelry band wagon that I would find a way to do it with wild color. Yes... repurposed jewelry. The photo at the top is of an enameled metal brooch I bought while out thrifting with Lorelei last weekend. Very sixties/seventies. It is BIG and BOLD, measuring more then 3inches across. I totally busted it apart. I used wire to bring the pieces together in a new way, added big lampwork hollows, then strung them up with vintage enameled chain. I love using enameled pieces. Essentially, enamel is glass... so I am still using glass in a creative new/old way.

Why am I feeling all insecure? Several reasons. First, I can't decide if I love it or hate it. Is it too much? I have worn it a few times, outside the house, and it is light as a feather, you hardly know you have it on. Yet, everyone else knows you are wearing it and you gotta be prepared to have your chest stared at all day. Second reason, I really think I am on to something here. And I am very worried that the minute I show this light bulbs will turn on over peoples' heads and I am going to see tons of flower pins turned jewelry components show up every where. I am feeling very protective of it, at the same time, I can't not show it. How will I get feedback about reason #1 if I don't?



So far the reviews have been great. I previewed this photo on Facebook last week to lots of love. I am really loving an orange and hot pink design setting on my desk that I will share tomorrow. Now it is time to hear from you... leave me some feedback. Have I gone off the jewelry deep end? LOL.

Just Me

I had a pretty amazing experience a few weeks ago and I have been chomping at the bit to share it with you. But, I needed to wait until everything was ready. Now that it is, I am so excited to show you...

Way back in November, I got it in my head that since I am a big time author now, I need proper head shots. I couldn't very well have a photo of me holding the camera at arms length from my face taking my own picture. I typed in "portrait photographer" into google and started my search for someone who was able to take a nice portrait. I didn't want a standard issue Sears photo center portrait, or a "glamor shots" thing. I knew I wanted something fun, and relaxed... artistic, and colorful.

I found just what I wanted in Kelli Marsh. You can view her portfolio on her website HERE and there are more images HERE on her blog. Ya know, I complain to my family all the time that I am constantly taking picture of them... couldn't someone take my picture once in a while without making me feel vain or making me look like and idiot? Really would it be so bad?

I was a nervous wreck during the first, oh I don't know, hour, lol. I was thinking to myself "this was stupid, I feel like an idiot, I'll have two chins and chubby cheeks... why did I think I needed to do this?" Kelli made this whole experience so great. We chatted like two girlfriends that have known each other for years. She helped me feel at ease and the pictures.... Oh they are awesome!!

The two on the blog here are my favorites. I don't know if it is the lightning bolt part in my hair or the twinkle lights in the back ground, but something about that top photo makes me feel like a rock star. Would you look at my lashes? *sigh*... such an awesome photo. The bottom one will be my "head shot". I love the expression and the light and the color of this one. I dare say there is even a twinkle in my eye.



There are a few more shots in my Flickr Gallery. Check them out... and if you need a photographer for anything, ANYTHING... I am tellin' ya, you gotta get Kelli. She is the best.

Encountering Reactance

The other day, I gave you a little snippet of the things I wanted to talk about this week. One of them was "reactance". I have been writing this post in my head for more then a week... ever since learning about this word. I think to myself that I will start this post one way or another, but it keeps changing. Anyway, I can feel a long babbling post coming on, so grab some coffee and settle in.

Last week, that day Lindsey and I conspired to take a fabric road trip and I learned about the quilt-along, Lindsey asked me something. I was complaining about some work I had to do and she asked "do you even enjoy making beads anymore? because it doesn't seem like it." That kinda took me off guard. Do I still enjoy making beads? That led to a talk about a few of the things I have been feeling lately.

First, this whole "state of the economy" crap is getting to me. Ron works in a corporate setting that just isn't stable. Any given day, he could come home early having been laid off. It is no way to go through life. It just sucks. What sucks worse though, is being an artist on the receiving end of that. Ron has never pressured me about anything, and he is extremely supportive of what I do. Lately though, he is giving me little nudges. Not in a bad way, but in a "don't ya wanna go make beads, you are gonna be the one supporting us if I loose my job"... and "is there any way you can kick things up a notch?" And this all started about six months ago when the company he works for announced they were laying off 5% of their work force.

So, one of things we agreed to was that if someone asks me to do something, I don't say no. For a long time, when I was asked to do custom orders, I politely declined, but now, I take them as they come. Custom orders have always been a struggle for me on so many levels. For one, I feel like the uniqueness of my work is one of the reasons it sells so well. People know that when they buy my beads or they buy my jewelry, they are getting something that is one of a kind. Never two the same. That is really important to me and if I opened myself up to taking orders, I don't know that I could keep things as individually unique as I do. For two, I have never been an assembly line thinker. It drives me mad. Think about it, in the past 6 years that I have been doing what I do, how easy could it be to have a website that shows a set of beads with an order button? I would have an endless supply of work. But I would go insane. I. Just. Can't. Do. That. For me, what I do is not about the money and I feel like the minute it becomes about making money, my work will suffer and my customers will see through me in a heartbeat.

To my rambling and sarcastic comments of "I just don't wanna do what people tell me I have to", Lindsey said "that is reactance". She explained that my creative freedom is being threatened so I am rebelling against the threat. And that right there has been stuck in the fore front of my thoughts since I heard it.

My creative freedom is being threatened.

The idea of that has caused a flurry of other ideas. First, and the thing nagging me the most, is how dare I act like such a little brat? Really, am I 31 or 3? Acting out and rebelling against what really is a responsibility shouldn't be an option. I am not an individual, I am part of a family of five. I need to be a contributor to this family. How could I let this go on for so long? By allowing myself to wallow in a subconscious rebellion, I am not only chancing losing everything I have worked so hard for over the past six years, I am also allowing a horrible insecurity creep in too. See, over the past few months, as I have been knitting instead of beading, sewing instead of beading, and painting instead of beading, I have felt my confidence in my beads falter. If I make beads, will everyone still think they are cool? Will they even sell? Why risk it?

Now maybe I have been good at hiding all this. Maybe you are thinking, Kerry where is this coming from? But I tell you, it has been sitting with me, worrying me, for a long time now. Now that I have a "label", so to speak, I can work through it in a more deliberate way. And the more I have talked about it this past week, with friends and with family, the more I have been able to process it. As I said in the start of this post, I have been writing this in my head for more then a week, and what I want to convey changes all the time. So much so, that I almost decided not to write this after all. Then I thought, no, I need to get this out.

So, here is my new plan. I am going to "fake it till I make it", lol. It is some advice Lori Greenberg gave me once. She gave it to me about a different situation, but I think it applies here. I feel like I need to pull my head outta the sand and get back to work. I can't keep hiding behind other projects. And I'll tell you the answer I gave Lindsey to the question "do you still enjoy making beads?" Yes, yes, yes, I do. When I sit at my torch, I have a sense of calm and all is right with my little world. It is getting myself to go sit down and do it that has been the problem. I. Need. To. Make. Beads. Even if I don't want to. I need to fake that it's what I want to be doing, until it is what I want to be doing. Ideas don't make themselves, so if I am feeling like I don't have any, then I need to work through that, not start knitting another sweater. Enough avoiding. I need to act my age.

I have spent time in my studio everyday this week. And that is my new pledge to myself. I will spend time in the studio. Everyday. I will regain my waning confidence. I will show myself that there is a reason I took the leap I did all those years ago and that I will not lose this. You know, for months now, I have felt like I have been floating. Like I have been treading water in between two places. (I think I have said that before) I have tried kicking my feet and swimming in one direction or another now and then over these past few months, but I was doing so blind. I feel now like the sun is rising over the water where I am treading and although it is still a little hazy, I can see a bit better what I want to kick towards.

*sigh*

How Not To Spend Your Monday Off

LOL, I think these "How Not To" posts are going to become my signature thing. We had How Not To Ring In The New Year, and yesterday's Total Lack Of Research which could also be called How Not To Start A New Glass Art. Don't worry about me... I write these with the ability to laugh at myself and my ridiculous situations. I hope they make you laugh too, and hey, maybe you'll learn something too.

Yesterday being a national holiday, the kids had off school. I let Jacob have a few friends over and we ordered pizza. As I waited for the pizza delivery guy, I noticed something strange in the corner of the living room.


I know it looks fine from here... but take a closer look.


OH MY STARS!!! THE ROOF IS LEAKING!!!

This corner is the spot where the new house meets the old house. It is a rather dicie spot that grows a lot of icicles outside. We knock the monster iciles down, but whatelse can we do? There is no access to the attic in over this spot. We can see if there is isulation unless we rip into the ceiling in the closet.

See, this is the closet on the other side of the wall.


While all FIVE kids that were here played outside in snow (according to the boys, it is the ice planet of Hoth out there, like on Star Wars), I moved all the furniture out of the corner and emptied the closet. Then in a panic called my husband, who couldn't do anything about it from work, and I called my cousin's husband Brad, who is a foreman for a construction company. Brad said he could come by after work and take a look.

I took the kids home, much to Jacob's disappointment. Apparently, he thought it no big deal that the paint was coming off the walls and water was dripping in to the living room soaking the carpets. According to him, I was spazing over nothing. I could hear the water drip drip driping inside the wall and down into my studio below and could see the paint coming off the walls... I was NOT spazing over nothing, child.

The leak is ice damning... damn ice. Brad and Ron used hammers and chisles to break it all away outside. If we roof rake everytime it snows, and get some of that heat tape to keep what tries to build up melting... then we should be okay. It'll be a few weeks before we can get the drywall repaired. It needs to dry out. Ugh. Oh well.

Today is going to be a better day. I am going to put my living room back together as much as I can. Lauren has a friend over to play and ride the bus with her. Once they head out, I am headed down to the studio... there needs to be some bead making done round these parts.

Tokens

You know how when you are reading blogs and one click leads to another click? You end up some place you never would have found otherwise. This happens to me a lot. I will be at one of my "usual" blogs and they'll link to another blog, I get caught up there and click links they have posted in their blogs... it just goes on and on. I LOVE when that happens. I love coming up on an unexpected corner in some one's life. It is kinda like when you drive around the city at night when lights are on in houses and buildings, often without curtains, and you get a glimpse into a moment in some one else's life.

Well, there are two blogs in particular that I have really been enjoying lately. The first is Ali Edwards blog. I don't know much about scrapbooking but oh how this site makes me want to experiment with it. Ali's projects and photos are intriguing to me. I love her graphic style, her loopy handwriting, and the nostalgic tone to images. I may never know how to use digital scrapbook pages... but I know a blog that keeps me inspired when I see it.

A few weeks ago, Ali started talking about her "One Little Word" project. If I am understanding it right, you pick a word that speaks to you and keep it in your mind through out the year. She says, "A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow."

I see projects come up on blogs all the time. I try them once in a while, like last year's "A Year Of Everyday Life" which I totally fell off the band wagon on. I know I am a bandwagon faller offer. I get excited about things, then loose interest, and end up letting it slip. I have always been like this. Which is one of the main reason's that Ron never wanted me to buy my own kiln and torch 4 years ago. He thought for sure that it would end up being a waste knowing me and my short attention span.

I am okay with that. I am okay with being a bandwagon faller offer. Instead of a faller offer, maybe I should consider myself a jumper. I know when my attention is starting to falter, and I start to look for other things to fill the need that whatever the project was filling. At least I can say that I tried and had an experience, right?

Anyway, I am getting off track. I saw Ali's One Little Word project and it has been with me for weeks since seeing it. There wasn't a single word that came to me as "my word". But as I was typing "words" for my book... or listening to "words" being spoken to me... or seeing "words" in the world around me, I would stop a second, think about it, and wonder if it was "my word". Nope... nothing was fitting.

I started this saying there were TWO blogs that I have come to love recently, and it is time to introduce the second. Months ago, when I was doing that photoshoot for that magazine article that I didn't end up liking, my friend Cindy sent me a link to a blog with another artist and her photoshoot results. The artist is mixed media painter Kelly Rae Roberts. At the time, I didn't bookmark her site for some reason, but through one link or another, I have ended up back there a few times. Now, I check it everyday and the other day, Wednesday to be exact, I finally picked up a copy of her book, Taking Flight. I wasn't sure I needed what I thought was a "painting" book. When I picked it up, and started to flip through the pages, I discovered it reads like a book book, not a project book. Though, yes there are projects in it... but the point is the journey, not the finished project.

I started reading Taking Flight last night.

I am about to go off on another tangent here... hang in there, it'll all come together by the end.

Something that I struggle with as an artist is the feeling that I lack a lot of depth/thought/feeling in my "work". So many artists have messages they try to convey in their work, deep thought behind the decisions they make for a piece, or feelings evoked in them/others through their mediums. Yes, I put thought in to my work. BUT... I feel like I don't put enough effort into the thoughts I have. Maybe that is just the perfectionist in me... nothing is ever enough for a perfectionist. And try as I might to let the need for perfection go, I just can't seem to do it. I can find fault in so much that I do. Who wants to go around feeling that way?

As I was reading the first chapter of Kelly Rae's book last night, the descriptions along side her work struck that cord of my feelings of shallowness. She would describe how she was creating with an intention and the descriptions were making me wonder what my intentions are with my work. Can beads and jewelry have intentions? A strong theme through the dialog in Taking Flight is listening to the whispers of your heart about the life you truly want to live. It can be a longing whisper to run a marathon... or a whisper of a desire to learn to paint.

One thing I am very good at is hearing my whispers. I know the things my heart is longing to do. One of things I am not good at it is giving those whispers a chance to be realized. I think that comes from my perfectionist tendencies. Often times, I think I have a fear that I will go for one of those big dreams and fail. If I fail, then I am not perfect. I know, I know... everyone is scared of failure. I have no reason to feel like I'll fail. I have shown myself is more ways then one that I am a strong woman and when I do put my heart into something I don't fail. And then, failing at something teaches you lessons that make the chance of success that much more the next time you try, right?

Anyway... reading Kelly Rae's book has really left me inspired. I want to give more of my whispering dreams a chance to take flight in my life. Something else happen while I was reading last night too... my One Little Word came to me... "Token".

Token (tō'kən)
n.
1. Something serving as an indication, proof, or expression of something else; a sign.
2. Something that signifies or evidences authority, validity, or identity.
3. A distinguishing feature or characteristic.
4. A keepsake or souvenir.

v., -kened, -ken·ing, -kens.
1. To betoken or symbolize; portend.

adj.
1. Done as an indication or a pledge.
2. Perfunctory; minimal.
3. Merely symbolic.

I think it is a perfect word. It is "my word" and I am excited about spending time this year looking for tokens in my life. A token of love, a token of possibility, a token of forgiveness, or a token of sadness. It can be so many things. My personal hope it to find a token in each day and as suggested by Kelly Rae, I am going to start a journal. My journal won't be for my heart's whispers though... it is going to be to keep track of my tokens.

See how it all comes together?

To celebrate my word and get started on my journey, I am naming my first mixed media piece of 2009...

"Token Of Possibility No 1"