Link

Sometimes, I surprise myself. I like when that happens. I will have a bunch of thoughts in my head, a way that I am feeling, and I dwell/stew on that particular mind set for what feels like an eternity. Until... until something comes along and pops me in the face, startles me, and reminds me that, silly girl, your thinking is all wrong. And usually, what ends up doing that, is myself in the form of something I find in the archives of this blog. Another thing that amazes me is the very obviously cycle to my thoughts and feelings that, for some reason, can be completely oblivious to me. Yes, I mean oblivious. I don't see it until I point it out to myself. And although that sounds odd, hang in there, I think this is going to be an interesting post, and it will all come together in the end. (or at least I thought it would two days ago when I started writing this, not so sure about that coming back to it later, LOL)

It is that time of year again. The time when the calender turns, we all reflect a bit, dream/resolve/promise a lot, and the world seems to bubble with a sense of hope and possibility. I find some years I feel the sensation more than others. This year, I don't feel it as strongly as I have in the past. And that is okay. I am almost thankful for it. There is less mania to the possibilities and a little more grounding. I like that. I was thinking back on the goals I set for myself in January 2009. I grinned at myself this morning when I saw that I had succeeded at a few of those goals, and laughed at the things I wasn't so good about. They are things I will probably never be good about, oh well. I did make more art, and will keep that on my to do list this year. I learned some new things and I did cut out a lot of computer time (though I could still cut back more). PJs are just too dang comforting so I didn't get out of the house as much as I could have, and people, seriously, my business spread sheets are blank (I am going to be kicking myself for not following through on that one).

This year, goals haven't even entered my mind until I sat to write this post. I knew I had set goals last January, looked them up in the old blogger archives, and those last few sentences are the gist of my thoughts about goals this year. I guess this just isn't going to be a goal oriented year for me. You see what I mean about some years being more inspiring than other and how this one is not, yes?

While searching the archives for my goals post, I also made a point to find my word post from 2009. That was the post that smacked me in the face this morning. I have had that nagging feeling that I talked about a few weeks ago and for some reason, that post, the word post, made me stop in my tracks. Made me say to myself a bunch of things all at once. (bare with me some make me sound rather full of myself, but that is okay, it is good to give yourself some compliments once in a while) I thought... dang, look how thoughtful I was (that is the thing I surprised myself with), my stars I was sorta eloquent, "tokens" was such an awesome word and it made me see so many blessings in my life, I so should have stuck with the journal, HA!, what is the new word going to be?... Each one of those thoughts, that seemed to all come at me at once, really seemed to validate and at the same time alleviate my concerns about feeling like I don't do enough or that I am not connected to my life enough. Because I *am* enough. And duh, Kerry, look at the dates of your posts, I get this way around this time of year. See, obvious but oblivious.

Anyway, I am starting to ramble, it is time to pull this all together. I loved the word Tokens last year because it made me pause in so many moments and think to myself "what is this a token of?". Granted I wasn't good about marking them down in a journal, but oh well, I still found those tokens and acknowledged them and kept them in my heart. I wasn't good about sharing those tokens with you here on the blog, and maybe that will be something I am better about here with the new word, but hmmm, I don't know. A little part of me is really feeling kinda guarded about certain things lately. I will think on why that is some more and that will be a post for another day.

As I thought and thought and thesaurus-ed on words in seeking out *my word* for 2010, I tried to find something that would help me continue to grow as a more connected and grounded person. I want to work on being mindful in moments and having intention in my actions. Then it came to me... my word for 2010...

Link (lingk)

-noun
1. one of the rings or separate pieces of which a chain is composed.
2. anything serving to connect one part or thing with another; a bond or tie.
3. an association or relationship.
4. a causal, parallel, or reciprocal relationship; a correlation.

-verb
5. to join by or as if by link or links; connect; unite.
6. to connect with or to become connected with.

I have had my new word with me for a few days now and I am already in love with it. It makes my stop and think "what is the link?"... what is the connection?... how can the pieces be brought together?... where is my grounding?... See, it has so many meaning and ways to be interpreted. I love my new word.

Now, what is your word?

(and ps... sorry this is a little on the choppy side, LOL, I had to keep coming back to it over several days and it just doesn't seem to flow like I thought it would. Such is my life. I wonder if I will look back at this post in 2011 and think is was as eloquent as 2009.)

Encountering Reactance

The other day, I gave you a little snippet of the things I wanted to talk about this week. One of them was "reactance". I have been writing this post in my head for more then a week... ever since learning about this word. I think to myself that I will start this post one way or another, but it keeps changing. Anyway, I can feel a long babbling post coming on, so grab some coffee and settle in.

Last week, that day Lindsey and I conspired to take a fabric road trip and I learned about the quilt-along, Lindsey asked me something. I was complaining about some work I had to do and she asked "do you even enjoy making beads anymore? because it doesn't seem like it." That kinda took me off guard. Do I still enjoy making beads? That led to a talk about a few of the things I have been feeling lately.

First, this whole "state of the economy" crap is getting to me. Ron works in a corporate setting that just isn't stable. Any given day, he could come home early having been laid off. It is no way to go through life. It just sucks. What sucks worse though, is being an artist on the receiving end of that. Ron has never pressured me about anything, and he is extremely supportive of what I do. Lately though, he is giving me little nudges. Not in a bad way, but in a "don't ya wanna go make beads, you are gonna be the one supporting us if I loose my job"... and "is there any way you can kick things up a notch?" And this all started about six months ago when the company he works for announced they were laying off 5% of their work force.

So, one of things we agreed to was that if someone asks me to do something, I don't say no. For a long time, when I was asked to do custom orders, I politely declined, but now, I take them as they come. Custom orders have always been a struggle for me on so many levels. For one, I feel like the uniqueness of my work is one of the reasons it sells so well. People know that when they buy my beads or they buy my jewelry, they are getting something that is one of a kind. Never two the same. That is really important to me and if I opened myself up to taking orders, I don't know that I could keep things as individually unique as I do. For two, I have never been an assembly line thinker. It drives me mad. Think about it, in the past 6 years that I have been doing what I do, how easy could it be to have a website that shows a set of beads with an order button? I would have an endless supply of work. But I would go insane. I. Just. Can't. Do. That. For me, what I do is not about the money and I feel like the minute it becomes about making money, my work will suffer and my customers will see through me in a heartbeat.

To my rambling and sarcastic comments of "I just don't wanna do what people tell me I have to", Lindsey said "that is reactance". She explained that my creative freedom is being threatened so I am rebelling against the threat. And that right there has been stuck in the fore front of my thoughts since I heard it.

My creative freedom is being threatened.

The idea of that has caused a flurry of other ideas. First, and the thing nagging me the most, is how dare I act like such a little brat? Really, am I 31 or 3? Acting out and rebelling against what really is a responsibility shouldn't be an option. I am not an individual, I am part of a family of five. I need to be a contributor to this family. How could I let this go on for so long? By allowing myself to wallow in a subconscious rebellion, I am not only chancing losing everything I have worked so hard for over the past six years, I am also allowing a horrible insecurity creep in too. See, over the past few months, as I have been knitting instead of beading, sewing instead of beading, and painting instead of beading, I have felt my confidence in my beads falter. If I make beads, will everyone still think they are cool? Will they even sell? Why risk it?

Now maybe I have been good at hiding all this. Maybe you are thinking, Kerry where is this coming from? But I tell you, it has been sitting with me, worrying me, for a long time now. Now that I have a "label", so to speak, I can work through it in a more deliberate way. And the more I have talked about it this past week, with friends and with family, the more I have been able to process it. As I said in the start of this post, I have been writing this in my head for more then a week, and what I want to convey changes all the time. So much so, that I almost decided not to write this after all. Then I thought, no, I need to get this out.

So, here is my new plan. I am going to "fake it till I make it", lol. It is some advice Lori Greenberg gave me once. She gave it to me about a different situation, but I think it applies here. I feel like I need to pull my head outta the sand and get back to work. I can't keep hiding behind other projects. And I'll tell you the answer I gave Lindsey to the question "do you still enjoy making beads?" Yes, yes, yes, I do. When I sit at my torch, I have a sense of calm and all is right with my little world. It is getting myself to go sit down and do it that has been the problem. I. Need. To. Make. Beads. Even if I don't want to. I need to fake that it's what I want to be doing, until it is what I want to be doing. Ideas don't make themselves, so if I am feeling like I don't have any, then I need to work through that, not start knitting another sweater. Enough avoiding. I need to act my age.

I have spent time in my studio everyday this week. And that is my new pledge to myself. I will spend time in the studio. Everyday. I will regain my waning confidence. I will show myself that there is a reason I took the leap I did all those years ago and that I will not lose this. You know, for months now, I have felt like I have been floating. Like I have been treading water in between two places. (I think I have said that before) I have tried kicking my feet and swimming in one direction or another now and then over these past few months, but I was doing so blind. I feel now like the sun is rising over the water where I am treading and although it is still a little hazy, I can see a bit better what I want to kick towards.

*sigh*

I Got Goose Bumps

You know what? Last week, I never told you about my extra special birthday present!! I try not to play favorites with gifts. I really love them all. But this year, my sister Bonnie, totally blew everyone out of the water!! She got us two tickets to see "Sweeney Todd - The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street" on stage at Geva, here in Rochester.

I am sure you all have heard of it. It was the gore fest musical of 2007 with Johnny Depp. From what Bonnie has told me, it was a play long before it became a movie. And it was what they called a "penny dreadful" in the 1800's. (a story you could buy for a penny) The show was last night!!





Our seats were fantastic, seventh row center. The theater is very small and intimate. I don't think the place holds more then a couple 100 people. The opening song gave me goose bumps. And the second song did too. The production played out just like the movie with a few extra songs and many of the songs longer then the movie too. The costumes... fantastic... the sets... super cool... the special effects (throat cutting)... looked very real. I just loved the whole thing. Well, not the whole thing. The actor plying Anthony had a funky way of singing the word "you" that was totally distracting me. It was freaking me out.



Okay... so that was my Sunday night. These photos today are from my Friday afternoon. I finally, finally, got to do some work. This is "Token Of Chance", a new mixed media piece by yours truly. I have another one to share one day this week too. I would love to hear your thoughts!! I tried some new things, adding text and resin. The size is 5x7 and I worked on a traditional mounted canvas. I love the dark rich blues and purples in this.



Here is to getting back to normal this week!

What Is Love?

Don't worry, I don't really want an answer to that question. Every answer would be different anyway. But I want to show you the start of my answer to it.


Yesterday afternoon, I was torn. Should I make beads or work on my Token Journal? My free time that isn't free, it is actually "work time" has been very limited lately. Things keep getting in the way of me getting in my groove. Between long weekends, doctor appointments, and play dates... my time hasn't been my own. Usually, I am fine with it... I go with the flow and work when I can, but I really really want to be working right now! I have lots of ideas and I wanna make them happen before they slip outta my head.

As you can see from the photos, my journal and painting won out over torching.


The process of making these pages just felt so right. I sat in my studio, in the quiet, and let the paint flow. I still have colors crusted in my finger nails, and I freaking love that. I cut the covers off of some old circa 1907-1919 hardcover books (a technique shown in Taking Flight) to use as the pages in my journal. I mixed and layered paint for simple backdrops to write on.


On each page I added words from one of the books that I de-covered. The book is called "The Garden Without Walls" and the copyright is 1913. (I love how old it is!) I could open to any random page and some where on that page the word "love" would appear. I took that as a sign of the direction I should take my journal. Check out an article I found in the NY Times' archives reviewing the book.


Don't you just love the language in old books? My pages say; "What Is Love?", "turn your mind to the really important things in life", "A wonderful kindliness nowadays", "power of dreaming now broke loose.", "Love in the world.", "My secret was too big and beautiful to keep to myself.", "I shall always love you.", and "Star-Dust Days".


I have already started to find TOKENS in my days and I am going to keep my tokens of LOVE here in this journal. And I am guessing I will need more journals for other tokens. *sigh* I can't say that I'll mind having to work on that. lol.

Today though, the paints are put away and the glass rods are out. I am hoping to get in some quality torch time. If it is really good and we can manage a couple of good ones next week too, then I'll be having a Bead Box Update next Friday!! YOO HOOOOO!! I'll keep ya posted.

Tokens

You know how when you are reading blogs and one click leads to another click? You end up some place you never would have found otherwise. This happens to me a lot. I will be at one of my "usual" blogs and they'll link to another blog, I get caught up there and click links they have posted in their blogs... it just goes on and on. I LOVE when that happens. I love coming up on an unexpected corner in some one's life. It is kinda like when you drive around the city at night when lights are on in houses and buildings, often without curtains, and you get a glimpse into a moment in some one else's life.

Well, there are two blogs in particular that I have really been enjoying lately. The first is Ali Edwards blog. I don't know much about scrapbooking but oh how this site makes me want to experiment with it. Ali's projects and photos are intriguing to me. I love her graphic style, her loopy handwriting, and the nostalgic tone to images. I may never know how to use digital scrapbook pages... but I know a blog that keeps me inspired when I see it.

A few weeks ago, Ali started talking about her "One Little Word" project. If I am understanding it right, you pick a word that speaks to you and keep it in your mind through out the year. She says, "A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow."

I see projects come up on blogs all the time. I try them once in a while, like last year's "A Year Of Everyday Life" which I totally fell off the band wagon on. I know I am a bandwagon faller offer. I get excited about things, then loose interest, and end up letting it slip. I have always been like this. Which is one of the main reason's that Ron never wanted me to buy my own kiln and torch 4 years ago. He thought for sure that it would end up being a waste knowing me and my short attention span.

I am okay with that. I am okay with being a bandwagon faller offer. Instead of a faller offer, maybe I should consider myself a jumper. I know when my attention is starting to falter, and I start to look for other things to fill the need that whatever the project was filling. At least I can say that I tried and had an experience, right?

Anyway, I am getting off track. I saw Ali's One Little Word project and it has been with me for weeks since seeing it. There wasn't a single word that came to me as "my word". But as I was typing "words" for my book... or listening to "words" being spoken to me... or seeing "words" in the world around me, I would stop a second, think about it, and wonder if it was "my word". Nope... nothing was fitting.

I started this saying there were TWO blogs that I have come to love recently, and it is time to introduce the second. Months ago, when I was doing that photoshoot for that magazine article that I didn't end up liking, my friend Cindy sent me a link to a blog with another artist and her photoshoot results. The artist is mixed media painter Kelly Rae Roberts. At the time, I didn't bookmark her site for some reason, but through one link or another, I have ended up back there a few times. Now, I check it everyday and the other day, Wednesday to be exact, I finally picked up a copy of her book, Taking Flight. I wasn't sure I needed what I thought was a "painting" book. When I picked it up, and started to flip through the pages, I discovered it reads like a book book, not a project book. Though, yes there are projects in it... but the point is the journey, not the finished project.

I started reading Taking Flight last night.

I am about to go off on another tangent here... hang in there, it'll all come together by the end.

Something that I struggle with as an artist is the feeling that I lack a lot of depth/thought/feeling in my "work". So many artists have messages they try to convey in their work, deep thought behind the decisions they make for a piece, or feelings evoked in them/others through their mediums. Yes, I put thought in to my work. BUT... I feel like I don't put enough effort into the thoughts I have. Maybe that is just the perfectionist in me... nothing is ever enough for a perfectionist. And try as I might to let the need for perfection go, I just can't seem to do it. I can find fault in so much that I do. Who wants to go around feeling that way?

As I was reading the first chapter of Kelly Rae's book last night, the descriptions along side her work struck that cord of my feelings of shallowness. She would describe how she was creating with an intention and the descriptions were making me wonder what my intentions are with my work. Can beads and jewelry have intentions? A strong theme through the dialog in Taking Flight is listening to the whispers of your heart about the life you truly want to live. It can be a longing whisper to run a marathon... or a whisper of a desire to learn to paint.

One thing I am very good at is hearing my whispers. I know the things my heart is longing to do. One of things I am not good at it is giving those whispers a chance to be realized. I think that comes from my perfectionist tendencies. Often times, I think I have a fear that I will go for one of those big dreams and fail. If I fail, then I am not perfect. I know, I know... everyone is scared of failure. I have no reason to feel like I'll fail. I have shown myself is more ways then one that I am a strong woman and when I do put my heart into something I don't fail. And then, failing at something teaches you lessons that make the chance of success that much more the next time you try, right?

Anyway... reading Kelly Rae's book has really left me inspired. I want to give more of my whispering dreams a chance to take flight in my life. Something else happen while I was reading last night too... my One Little Word came to me... "Token".

Token (tō'kən)
n.
1. Something serving as an indication, proof, or expression of something else; a sign.
2. Something that signifies or evidences authority, validity, or identity.
3. A distinguishing feature or characteristic.
4. A keepsake or souvenir.

v., -kened, -ken·ing, -kens.
1. To betoken or symbolize; portend.

adj.
1. Done as an indication or a pledge.
2. Perfunctory; minimal.
3. Merely symbolic.

I think it is a perfect word. It is "my word" and I am excited about spending time this year looking for tokens in my life. A token of love, a token of possibility, a token of forgiveness, or a token of sadness. It can be so many things. My personal hope it to find a token in each day and as suggested by Kelly Rae, I am going to start a journal. My journal won't be for my heart's whispers though... it is going to be to keep track of my tokens.

See how it all comes together?

To celebrate my word and get started on my journey, I am naming my first mixed media piece of 2009...

"Token Of Possibility No 1"