Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I've Been Thinking...

... and thinking isn't always the best thing for me. LOL. The thing is, even though things right now feel a little hectic and full, with the mad dash to get all my last minute Christmas goodies done in time, I have too much time on my hands. I sit in my comfy living room chair, sometimes for what feels like hours, crafting (usually knitting the past week) and can't help but think and let my mind wonder/wander.

I think about lots of things... my family... especially the kids. I think about how lucky I am to be in the place that I am. I have a pretty cushy deal here, and I know it, and I am so so thankful for it. I have a great husband, three sometimes-awesome kids, an amazing career that supports itself and lets me be creative anytime I want, and yet... I feel like something is missing. Ugh. I wish I could articulate the feeling better, because it isn't just a something-is-missing feeling, there is more to it. There is an apprehension to it too... a to-good-to-be-trueness to it... an I-need-to-do-more to it... and a feeling of inadequacy. I have this feeling that I have more in me than I am really putting out and yet at the same time, I am bit scared to put more out there and am searching for the motivation too.

Maybe the word motivation should be replaced by the word intention in that last sentence. When I am sitting and thinking, one reoccurring sense I have is that there is a lack of "me" to me lately. I feel like I am all pomp, with no circumstance. All fluffy, without any real substance. Not quite that I am only going through the motions, but kinda like that. Just the over all feeling that there should be more thought and energy in what I make of my days. I could dig deeper, know what I mean? There isn't any sadness to this... I am not depressed or tearful... and there isn't mania in it either, no over flowing pent up energy. You know, I often wish I was a more insightful person. That I could put my finger on the point easier, alas, that is one skill I think I will always lack.

I think a lot on this space too... this blog... my little slice of the e-world. Is there more that I could do here? Is this place really what I want it to be? Maybe it is the fact that this is my 1097th post, but I feel like I am seriously struggling for content. Maybe I need to put the "Blogging Without Obligation" button on my sidebar over there, lol. Meaning I blog when I have something to say, not just for the sake of blogging, ya know. I have been doing that more and more. Have you noticed?

Anyway... I am babbling. Is there a word for babbling that you do to yourself in your mind? LOL... we should make one up. Any ideas?


mairedodd said...

this is a great post, kerry... you know, your energy, creativity and talent are a bit daunting! :0) you seem so incredibly present in everything you do... and it's all personal and for family or friends... have you met some great milestones this year that you wonder how you will top? you will, you can do anything you put your mind to! you are quite an inspiration... i have head static going on so much - sometimes i'd like to hit the off button, but sometimes it is good... like when it is that self-exploratory kind... the 'to do' lists i can do without... enjoy the holiday with all of those wonderful handmade gifts you have created... and your beautiful family...

Patricia Wood said...

You are great and I bet you touch more people than you think. You'll get "face to face" feedback soon, when you teach. It will make some of this doubtful/emptyness feelings you have go away, I'm sure:)

If you could have everything you want, how would it be? How would you feel? What would it look and sound like? How close are you to that? Happiness lies in the little things:)

Keep being beautiful and wonderful - Happy Holidays to you and your family!

TesoriTrovati said...

I just wrote something similar on my blog. About making creative intentions. I like that word. There is an action in there and a positiveness. You are very insightful. And this post goes to show it. You do seem to have an amazing abundance of blessings. And I am looking forward to that day when I can sit in a chair and contemplate and create to my hearts content. I am not there, but I am moving with intention ever toward that.
I do firmly believe in the Blogging without Obligation. Put it out there. And I also believe in having a framework to my blogging. That is what keeps me going, gives me purpose. I have a RAW Friday and a 30 Words Thursday, but each post has an established beginning middle and end. I just read on someone's blog that there is an ebook for those who need a little guidance and ideas for their blogging. You might like to check that out. As I was moving I came across a stack of books with questions and poems and quotes and all manner of things that will serve as inspiration should my well run dry. I would say that you are touching more lives than you know. But whatever you decide to do, make sure that it is because you want to do it, not because you think that is what your readers want.

Wishing you an abundance of inspiration in the New Year! Christmas blessings to you and yours.
Enjoy the day!

deehebard said...

Kerry...you are an amazing talent and I was lucky enough to take a class many moons ago...I really enjoy reading your blog daily and even though I don't always respond, I enjoy checking in with my cyber friend.

I think that sometimes the hustle and bussle of the holiday pushes us in one direction and many times we need to push back.

I have found that giving to others, of my time, volunteering, really gets my head screwed on right. I think your teaching will really be terrific for your soul...go with your heart and you will never go wrong!
Merry Christmas...and pure joy in the New Year!

Leslie @ Bei Mondi said...

It's ok to ramble. We all need to do it sometimes. Maybe there are bigger dreams out there waiting for you. I guess we should always be reaching for the stars. The fear is going to be there with anything new. We just have to overcome that and, as the marines would say, "be all we can be".

Kerry said...

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses everyone.

Mary Jane - hmmm... I hadn't thought about it like that. Being that maybe worrying about besting myself. I will have to stew on that for a while.

Patricia - I appreciate your opinion but have to disagree, I don't feel like I need validation and to be told I am wonderful. I am just feeling like I want and need to do more. But thank you so much for thinking I am wonderful :)

Erin - thank you, I am sure you will get there some day!

Deedee - YES, I am crap about responding to comments, lol. Horrible at it. I love love love readinig the comments and taking them in and thinking about them, I just don't like responding. I will work on it in the year to come.

Leslie - Thank you! I forgot about the word ramble. :) That works.

Karin said...

Some of the best advice I ever received is that "you can do it all, just not all at once." That helps me when I feel like I should be doing more.

Leslie Gidden said...

Great post Kerry! My mind is in a constant babble....I live like this everyday. I call it "chasing rabbits".....and old term I got from my amazing biology teacher in college when he would stray off topic. I have never caught the rabbits as they keep running and in ALL directions....I still chase though! There is so much going on here, but in a nutshell....mommy is starting to take care of herself now. If I don't start, then how am I to take care of the rest of "life". I find since I started this, the first of November, the rabbit chasing has slowed! I know none of that made any sense to you! Have a great holiday with your family! Thanks for letting me comment! Much love to you and yours!


Jenny J. said...

Kerry - I'm just sort of adding two cents to the other comments, but I love this post from you! I am motivated by your energy and creativity that comes through in your blog, so I'm one of the many that your beautiful photos, family tidbits, and overwhelming creativity pushes in new directions. I actually just got a new book for Christmas about Blogging for Bliss and I'm so excited to start the new year thinking about digging a little deeper and trying some new things not just with blogging, but with creativity in my life in general. So, my best to you as you "chase rabbits" and "ramble" a bit towards some peace and new points of inspiration! Thanks for all you do!