Saturday, February 05, 2011
Happy Saturday, my lovely readers. It is wonderful to see you on this bright and shining morning. I must confess, I was rather comfy in my bed and didn't rise until well after 9am. So unlike me... but so needed after last night. I know you aren't used to seeing my in this bloggy space on the weekends. But today it is warranted. I have some feelings to work through and I want to do it while the feelings are so very fresh.
As you know, last night my first First Friday event at the studio. With all the overwhelming other events of this week, on Thursday, I was thinking this event might not take place. With Jacob down and out on the couch with influenza, and my back smarting every now and then, I called Ron and asked if I should just let it go. He said, in the most husbandly fashion, "it is up to you". Not what I wanted to hear. So, I set to texting an understanding friend. My understanding friend is wonderful at leading me through a conversation in a way that helps me better know my own intention and heart. Often times, she does it with the simplest of words. She knows all too well the pressure I put on myself when it comes to doing "public" shows of my work. The simple thing she said was "... as long as you aren't waiting out of a place of fear...". The one word, fear, settled into my thoughts and I knew instantly, without a doubt, that there was no fear in my heart. I decided to just let things happen as they would and as they did, an excitement settled in.
Yesterday, I truly was so excited as I moved through the day. I bought a bouquet of balloons to draw the crowds down my hallway. I picked wine to share with friends that would visit. I tidied the studio, set up displays, made a last minute necklace, I hung silouettes that I made of the kids, and I felt really good. I felt antsy to see what the night would bring too. All the while I was checking in with myself, being present, and knowing where my heart was. No fear.
Then... people started arriving. Of this I have no doubt, I absolutely loved sharing my new space with my family and friends. I was so so proud to show my new creative home to them. I wish I had more time to focus and talk with them. (I also wish I could have found a couch for the studio too. It could really use some softer, cozier, spaces.) It would seem that just when one conversation would get going, new people would wander in that needed greetings and questions answered. One of the nice things about doing events like this is getting to introduce my style of lampwork glass jewelry to people that have never seen it before. It is fun to watch eyes widen at the mention of each bead being made by hand at the torch. (Yep, that torch right over there in the corner.) Many take a card and a final look around before going off to explore another studio in the building.
And then... there were the other kind of visitors. Before I tell out about the others, know this... my words aren't coming from a place of sadness or frustration or hurt. In fact, it is just the opposite. I am excited to finally know my feelings on this. I think a lot of my angst leading up to Friday came from a place of uncertainty. Now, I know and I am in a good, healthy place about it. So, read these next sentences with a tone in your mind that pictures me smiling and sort of whispering/sharing a discovered secret.
The others... well, some were down right rude and left me feeling violated. And I.did.not.like.it. I have told you before how tender I feel about my studio and protective of it. So, you can imagine how unsettling it was when people completely ignored the displays of jewelry I had out to bee-line to my work desk, pull out a strand of glass from a jar and snap it in half. Or how rattling it could be for some to walk behind my desk and feel free to touch my tools and pull rods of glass from my shelves. Some others went even further with their inconsideration, ignoring both my art and my workspace, to help themselves to free wine and snacks. Yes, they walked to my table, poured themselves a glass of red, then promptly turned and walked out. Truly... violating was the only word I could come up with to describe the sensations I was feeling in the moments when these others came into my creative home.
Monday, I will sweep and wash away the yuck left behind on the floors and tables by those others. I will return my spools of wire, pliers, and polishing pads to their rightful places on my desk. I will twirl a time or two in my tutu and I will shut my doors to those others. In my heart I know I do not want to open my studio, or myself, to them again. First Fridays are not for me... and I am at peace with that in the very best way. I really learned so much about myself last night. My family and my friends will always be welcome... and I am thinking private open houses on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon are what will be in my future. Last night, though, will not happen again. I feel stronger in knowing that resolve and eager to continue finding truths that make my heart happy.