Listening To A Whisper

Anyone remember back in January when I talked about the lovely Kelly Rae Robert's book, Taking Flight? I mentioned that one of the things that Kelly Rae talks about is listening to your heart's whispers. Well, there is a whisper that I have been hearing for a long time and tried to ignore. Today, I listened.

I used to be a runner... way way back in junior high. The fact that my running days were about 18 years ago and I still long to have them back really says something. I loved running. Probably because I was that girl in school that was tormented by bullies to no end, and running, running was something that I was really really good at. It was a place to escape to, listening to the rhythm of my breath and the drum of my step on the ground.

Then... my knees started to hurt. One year, I grew about 6 inches, and when my hips popped out it threw everything out of alignment. My knee caps were grinding against my femur bone and I was loosing cartilage. I went to an arthroscopic surgeon who told my Mom, and I quote "she isn't the next Jackie Joyner Kersey... just have her stop running". And being that there was no way for my parents to afford that kind of surgery, I had to stop. Even though I was running 5min miles at the time. I used that excuse to get out of gym class anytime running was involved for the remained of my time in the public school system. Soccer, nope, my knees hurt... field hockey, no way, my knees hurt. You get the picture.

For a couple of years now, I have been saying I want to try to run again. I mention it to my aunts that are runners. I think about it when I drive down the road and see the bobbing pony tails of girls running along side traffic. There is a demon in my head called self-doubt that has been eating at me. If I buy the sneakers, will I actually run? If I run, will it hurt? Am I too out of shape? Where will I find the time?

Finally, my spirit is getting stronger then the self-doubt. Enough is enough. I want to run again. I was out last night getting Jacob his new cleats for football and I bought myself some running sneakers. They are Target cheapies, but they are a start. I woke up at my usual time this morning and threw on my shoes. I started a pot of coffee (so it would be ready when I got home). I grabbed my cell phone to keep time and I went out.

Oh how my body fought me. So I did more of a run/walk. I would run a few hundred yards, then walked a few hundred... ran... then walked. My hips are sore and my ankles are clicking, and my lungs felt like they were been squeezed in a vice. BUT, I used the time to talk to myself in a way that I hope combats the horrible ffu-s I have been feeling. FFU stands for "frumpy fat and uglies". In my head, I said things like "come on Kerry... just get to that tree... I can do this...". I think it is an amazing way to start the day. I did my walk/run for about 35 minutes, came home to a warm shower and hot coffee. And, I still have all the time I need to get done they usual things I do in the morning. My emails are answered, my kids are working on their chores, and I have 15 more minutes to hit my favorite blogs.

I don't know if I will stick with it. I hope that I do. I hope that writing about it here holds me accountable. Let's see how bad the shin splints are tomorrow, lol.