Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Changing Pace

sorrows end close up
Things have been rather eventful 'round these parts recently, haven't they? We had the big countdown to that recent art show, we had the release of Totally Twisted for pre-order, we had the big flooring project, I am working on new designs as a contributor on another new book from Interweave, and the announcement about my first big foray into teaching on a national scale. It is a wild and full time.

In these past 31 years, I have gotten to know myself pretty well, and I am the kind of person that thrives on being busy. I like having big things to do and work on, though in some of the moments, I pull back and avoid, but whatever. LOL. One of the things I am trying to learn and change about myself is being okay with quiet too and accepting that I need down time now and then.

It is okay if I don't want to wash the bathroom floor and knit instead.
It is okay if I don't make my bed and listen to a pod cast instead.
It is okay if I turn the computer off and watch a movie with the family instead.
It is okay if the dishes don't get done this morning... or if the gardens aren't weeded... or if the mail is still in the mailbox... or if homework isn't finished... and I take care of *me* instead.

In recent weeks, while working with our in home therapist, I was asked what I would do if I just let the mornings go? Told the kids it is time to get up and then... just let go. Let the kids get up, they already know what is expected of them, trust that they can do it without a million prompts and reminders. What could I do with my morning? What would I want to do? You know what? Mind was completely blank. She also asked me to create a list of things I could be doing to better "connect" and get outta my house once in a while. What could I be doing that would make me feel better? I have horrible feelings of guilt sometimes that I don't do *enough* and that I should be thinking of how I could do more. But this question was trying to get to the opposite of that. What could I do, just for me, that would help me feel better? I had a few ideas, but really... for the most part, I was blank. For someone who thinks she knows herself, I sure do feel like there is so much of me that I don't understand sometimes.

I *really* want to make a conscious effort to explore a quieter side of me. That is what I am feeling right now. In this moment, while writing this post. While I am completely babbling and am totally pointless, lol. I want to be better about letting go, though I truly doubt I could ever let go enough to trust the kids would be standing at the bus stop on time. But hey, if I don't get to listing things on my website for a while, that is okay. I want to find a way to give back more, I have so much that makes me so very grateful, I want to pass it on (one idea I have is going to the NICU and rocking babies). I am just feeling so un-centered and out of balance. It is time to change the pace of things, and like the seasons (how corny am I sounding?), I need to slow down a bit.

*sigh*

Okay, babbling over. Anyone else wishing for a slower pace and finding a way to embrace it?

9 comments:

Lorelei said...

I can absolutely relate! I too, feel this constant need to always be going going going. It's good to sit back and let go once in a while. Although it totally feels way out of my element and never seems to last very long.
I'm really looking forward to your visit this weekend. We can take a nice day to relax and let go together!! xo

Pretty Things said...

No. Way. You are NOT making a purple picture. You know me and purple. I have a purple COUCH for Pete's sake. Email me a photo of that when it's ready to sell!!!!

TesoriTrovati said...

You are right on track. I think that we don't take care of ourselves enough, myself included. I think that this sounds like a wonderful attitude to adopt and there is no better time than at what can be the most stressful time of the year for those women among us who do too much! I would love the opportunity to just create more art and be with people who feel the same. Tonight I start a 4 week oil painting class with my best friend Rainy and my mom. I think we might be the only one's signed up and I hope to reconnect with both these women. And then next week my daughter and I start a drawing class, which is what she wants for her Christmas present. Nothing under the tree but a lifetime skill to be mastered. What can be better. Enjoy the day Kerry (and it sounds like you have the opportunity to slow down with the lovely Miss Lorelei...lucky!)
Erin

Elaine said...

I can related - I was worse before but still have the little monkey on my back that says 'Do more, do more, do more!' And then of course it says: 'shame on you!' when you curl in a fetal ball instead of doing more and more and more.

One of the things I DID do to simplify was move 300 miles this summer, for a smaller, cleaner start. So far it's staggering just how much better it is, if only in that a lot of the anxiety is just... gone.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand the "me" time.
I am working on that also. I love to take pictures so I invested in a nice camera and my "me" time is going out to get great pictures of nature. Also my workout is me time and it makes me feel so much better afterwards...well after my muscles stop hurting and I catch my breathe. I was eyeing that purple picture also. :)

Tammy M.

mairedodd said...

well, first thing is - the home therapist sounds like she is good for all of you! that is great...
and yes, i know how you feel about the guilt... the list of shoulds and gottas... feeling guilty if i am so immersed in a project that i tell a hungry kid to grab a sandwich... getting out for a walk is nice... but i struggle with the feeling like it is ok to just be me - at the same time my insides are screaming for it! i love quiet... when the kids are in school, nothing is on - the pc, but no music or tv or anything... i love it...

rosebud101 said...

Good luck, Kerry. You are so goal oriented. I don't know how you manage to do all that you do! Take care of yourself!

Cindy said...

Kerry, I think we are very much alike...I am constantly going and if not, I seem to fill that time with something.
I think your volunteer work idea is wonderful..you could really make a difference in a hospital..or maybe the SPCA. You have a big heart. :-)

lisa at lo and behold said...

I think what you describe is a common challenge for women and mothers. I know I had/have it, too. I am always astounded at how much you do. But to tell the truth, sometimes I get exhausted thinking about it. One way I started to tackle "me time" was to "stop working" at 10 pm and take the last hour of the day to knit and listen to my ipod, or take a bath, or read a book. No paying bills, no cleaning, no computer work. I tried to do it every day, and after a while, it stuck. Not that I succeed every day, but after several years, it is more my norm that not. Then, I added not working on Fridays. Writing is my work, so for me, that means making glass beads and jewelry! But for you, maybe it means writing . . .Good luck - and enjoy!