... and thinking isn't always the best thing for me. LOL. The thing is, even though things right now feel a little hectic and full, with the mad dash to get all my last minute Christmas goodies done in time, I have too much time on my hands. I sit in my comfy living room chair, sometimes for what feels like hours, crafting (usually knitting the past week) and can't help but think and let my mind wonder/wander.
I think about lots of things... my family... especially the kids. I think about how lucky I am to be in the place that I am. I have a pretty cushy deal here, and I know it, and I am so so thankful for it. I have a great husband, three sometimes-awesome kids, an amazing career that supports itself and lets me be creative anytime I want, and yet... I feel like something is missing. Ugh. I wish I could articulate the feeling better, because it isn't just a something-is-missing feeling, there is more to it. There is an apprehension to it too... a to-good-to-be-trueness to it... an I-need-to-do-more to it... and a feeling of inadequacy. I have this feeling that I have more in me than I am really putting out and yet at the same time, I am bit scared to put more out there and am searching for the motivation too.
Maybe the word motivation should be replaced by the word intention in that last sentence. When I am sitting and thinking, one reoccurring sense I have is that there is a lack of "me" to me lately. I feel like I am all pomp, with no circumstance. All fluffy, without any real substance. Not quite that I am only going through the motions, but kinda like that. Just the over all feeling that there should be more thought and energy in what I make of my days. I could dig deeper, know what I mean? There isn't any sadness to this... I am not depressed or tearful... and there isn't mania in it either, no over flowing pent up energy. You know, I often wish I was a more insightful person. That I could put my finger on the point easier, alas, that is one skill I think I will always lack.
I think a lot on this space too... this blog... my little slice of the e-world. Is there more that I could do here? Is this place really what I want it to be? Maybe it is the fact that this is my 1097th post, but I feel like I am seriously struggling for content. Maybe I need to put the "Blogging Without Obligation" button on my sidebar over there, lol. Meaning I blog when I have something to say, not just for the sake of blogging, ya know. I have been doing that more and more. Have you noticed?
Anyway... I am babbling. Is there a word for babbling that you do to yourself in your mind? LOL... we should make one up. Any ideas?