Friday, July 16, 2010
I feel like I start way too many posts with something along the lines of "I hemmed and I hawed about yada yada yada". That is just who I am though. I think things out to no end. I don't like feeling like I am doing the wrong thing. No doubt that comes from being a perfectionist of sorts. I say of sorts, because there really just seems to be a handful of things I really feel the need to have perfect. I will go out in public in my pjs if I want, my kids' cloths don't match at family picnics, I go to book club without reading the book, and although I love me a good cleaning spree, I leave the dishes dirty in the sink most nights, and I hate laundry.
One of the places I do always always try to do my best is my work. I find I don't take risks often unless I know it is something I will succeed at. The confidence it takes for me to be a working artist is a fragile thing. Too many failures and I probably wouldn't want to be an artist in a public way anymore. I don't post beads that aren't perfect, I waited a year before submitting my book proposal, and I have waited 5 years to teach a public lampworking class. It may seem like I put myself out there all the time and that I am doing amazing spectacular things, but to me, in my heart, I know that I am not. I play it safe, most of the time. I celebrate the successes here with you, and although I often talk about the yucky stuff that my family goes though, we don't often talk about my professional let downs. Well, I recently had a big one. I wasn't sure if I should share it here, but it has been such a huge part of my life recently that I can't figure out how not to talk about it.
During Kelly Rae's e-course, we talked about dreams, and I have seen, on many a blog, projects about dreaming big. I find that dreaming is something very hard for me. I don't dream big. I don't know where I hope time takes me. Most of the time, I feel I live an along-for-the-ride life. I have theories as to why that is, but I need to work through them more before I can talk about it. I think many people might think that artists are full of dreamy possibilities, with their heads always in the clouds, but that isn't me. At least, not until this big dream. I feel like I have spent the past two months walking on air. I let go of the ideas that usually keep me grounded. I grasped onto strings attached to balloons filled with wishes and let them carry my hopes way up high. Monday, it would seem there was a bit of lightning in those clouds and it popped my balloons.
It is hard to let go of a big dream like this one. It really really felt right, it felt true, it felt possible. Needless to say, I had a rather weepy evening. I had to grieve the loss of that dream. As one who only takes calculated risks, I think that I am feeling an extra sting because it isn't often that I can't achieve the things I go after. I am sure critics would say its a good lesson I needed/deserved learning, but *sigh* I wish I didn't have to. I am holding close a message that my friend emailed me, a fellow e-course flyer, that reminded me of something that Kelly Rae talked about in one of her posts during class. She wrote of another author that wrote of a Buddhist belief that essentially says that when things start to go wrong all at once, it is to protect some thing bigger waiting to be born. That thing needs us distracted so that it may come to us as perfect as possible. I so so hope that is the case here.
With my head in the clouds for so long, I feel a little lost being back on the ground now. I am not sure which way to head on the path in front of me. I am a little purposeless at the moment. Slowly, but surely, I will figure out which way I want to head. And never fear, I am sure if I were to stumble upon another cluster of wish filled balloons while walking down my path, I would grasp those strings again and float right back up to the clouds.