Wednesday, May 11, 2011
*sigh* I am feeling miserable this morning and need to talk about it.
After yesterday's post, I excitedly put on my rain boots, borrowed Andrew's swim goggles, and headed out to finish pressure washing the last bit of deck railing that needed cleaning. Ron informed me that his coworkers said I need to wait at least a few days before applying the stain to the freshly cleaned deck. So once my little 20min clean up was finished, I was at a total loss as to what I could do next. And when I have a million things on my mind, that (a lack of direction) is a very bad thing. I found myself quickly spiraling into a tailspin of moodiness. Quite literally on the verge of tears at any given moment all day.
You see, when I start to build a list of projects and things I want to work on, I get in this state of mind where I become hypercritical. Which can be a good thing when it comes to getting a job done well from start to finish, but is becomes a very bad thing when I don't have a place to focus that critical eye on. Without the blinders of a set project on, suddenly everything comes under scrutiny. The house feels like it is a mess, the projects I am working on at the studio feel inadequate, and then the worst part of all... I start to look at myself and I think *I am a mess, I am inadequate*. It leads to a horrible case of the FFUs (my technical term for the frumpy-fat-and-ugly feelings).
Most days, I know, inside and out, that isn't the case. That it is just a moment's (or day's) warped perception and it will pass. The rational part of me tries to talk down the irrational side, but on days like yesterday (and even still this morning) it doesn't always work. Sometimes the crazy thoughts and critical views are too much for self-loving part of me take. I am sure it something everyone feels from time to time. Right?
I know I am the only one that can change my mood. So this morning, I decided some self-care is what is needed. A nice morning walk/run, a crisp hot shower, taking the time to put a curl in my hair and wear a dress that makes me feel good, and time in my favorite place (the studio) without expectations... just creating what my heart feels is right. And then... maybe then, my critical eye will be lulled shut and I can find my stride.