My mom is treating me to a few kid-free days this week and naturally, I raced to the studio the first chance I had to get some work done. It felt like a lifetime since I had spent a few hours there. Though really, just two weeks ago, I was there... every.single.day... while I finished writing my second book. As I was out on my run this morning, I thought about what I would do at the studio once I got there. I toyed with the idea of making a vlog with more details about the things that went on through out June. But, once there, in my happy place, I got to thinking about something else.
Have you ever heard your name spoken or read it somewhere and been taken back by it? As if you nearly forgot it was your name and it takes a moment or two for it to settle in. I think Moms will be able to understand what I mean by this most. It happens to me all the time. I hear someone say "Kerry" and it sometimes takes me a moment to really understand that's me. Even as I type my name here, it looks foreign to me. I hear MOM this or MOM that about a gazillion times a day and I am sure that is what leads to the forgetting that I am actually Kerry.
I think a lot about the different sides to us that we all have. (Or rather, I think a lot about all the crazy sides that I seem have and wonder if others feel as split in personalities/titles as I do.) This time of year I find it so hard to move through my different mind sets. As an artist and mother, it is all about balance, but it is easy to be pulled to one side more than the other without even knowing you've tipped the scales. For me, I don't recognize things have become lopsided until I try to make major transitions from one to the other. It jolts my system. And I am starting to wonder if that might be one of the underlying reasons that I have come to detest summer. I go from being able to work during the day, doing what I love, spending evenings with my family to being home all day, every day, with everyone. Frustration quickly sets in from the jolt of letting go of freedom I had for months while suddenly being at the beck and call of others. Then, you throw in a random day like today... bam, freedom returned... but I am in my studio, lost... trying to remember what the rhythm was before. I was used to being home again... I was okay with it... it was working... but now what?
Now, don't get me wrong... when I say frustration sets in because I am suddenly at everyone else's beck and call, don't think I would trade being a Mom for anything. I love my kids... I love being with them, and doing things with them... but I need to be reminded that I am more than just Mom. I have to remember that my name is Kerry, too. Today felt like such an awakening to needing to be mindful of that rather than getting lost in the thoughts of one side or the other and letting resentment set in. I think it all goes hand in hand with a lot of the things I have been feeling for some time now. A multitude of things that feel impossible to articulate. They are a bubbling of awareness deep down... in my heart and in my soul. Everyday, little by little, I am discovering and crafting my life. Though I don't have the words... I know it all feels *right*.
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8 comments:
I know what you mean about it sounding funny when someone says your name out loud. My husband doesn't even say it, we're always right there with each other all the time.
Speaking of running to the studio -- I ran out to my lampwork studio for the first time in a year and turned on my new torch, the one like you have. And guess what. It's the oxygen concentrator after all that must be bad -- wasn't the old torch. So now, something else to save up for before I can play!
Oh yes, I know what you mean by feeling strange when someone says your name. And I can relate to the craziness of summer and wishing for an somewhat more organized schedule. And like you, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I haven't visited my 'studio' (which happens to be a few steps away in my dining room) since several weeks before mom passed away. I'm itching to get back in there, but I know in my heart that I need to wait a bit more for things to settle in and the creativity flows again. I don't want to force it.
I know exactly what you mean. I did that shuffle and switch every year too while my children were growing up. Now it's time for grandchildren plus there's a 3rd ball in the air, i went back to work in the restaurant full time just as they were getting grown. I can't manage all 3 to save my soul, something always gets dropped.
I know what you mean too, especially if someone calls me "Joanne" instead of "Jo". I've worked with a couple of people who insisted on calling me Joanne as they didn't like shortening names - it's my name, not theirs!!
This afternoon was Jamie's first afternoon with the childminder who has looked after Ben a couple of days a week for the past few years. I felt horrible driving away, but I know he'll love it there as his brother does, it's only for a few hours and now I've spent some time hammering and soldering I FEEL SOOO GOOD!! I know it'll make me a better Mum too.
As ever, you hit the nail on the head. How do you know exactly what is going on in my head before I can even put it into words? I am in the throes (or throws as it were) of baseball and softball. I love it. It is the season that makes me most happy to see my kids do what they love and do it well (both kids made it through round 1 of the playoffs this week. More ball to come!). But I lose my sense of rhythm in the summer. I am still working too many hours at a job that doesn't hold my interest or even fill my time and that makes me resentful of the things that I could be doing at home in my studio. And those few hours a week that I am supposed to be playing in there? They get eaten up transporting someone here or there or just being with them while they are home, because I wouldn't otherwise. So the late, late nights continue, and in the meantime I feel blurred. I am not so much a creator these days and I am just trying to keep everyone going in the same direction. But this too will pass and my time will return. I know it.
Thank you for giving me a bit to chew on today, Miss Kerry. Such a lovely name too.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
I know exactly where you are coming from… My little ones are so very little still and have a different kind of demand. I don't wish the time away, but I also really need time for me. I just wish I could snap into that place where I was last when creativity was flowing, then hit pause when I'm needed elsewhere, then snap back when I've got the time again…
Being creative in a relaxing, motivated, great craftsmanship way is not so easy to achieve… When will technology give us that button to push???
I completely hear you. Last year was the first year Aaron got to spend a full day in school, and it was great.......finally able to do what I wanted, not worrying about him coming into the garage when I was soldering, or when the kiln was heating up, but now it's school vacation, and I give up.......jewelry making is going to have to go on hold somewhat until August 31 :)
Even my husband and I call each other "mommy" and "daddy" when we are together with Nora...which is all the time! It's been that way since she was born.
I'm still a newbie at the motherhood thing, but I know exactly what you mean. I'm looking forward to when Nora is school-age and I can have a little more creative time, again...at least for most of the year! lol. You are not alone. All us creative moms out there feel the same.
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