Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Cookies & Contemplations

cookies 1
cookies 2
christmas cactus 1
stitches 1

I feel like my "recovery" for that show is going to take longer than I thought.

I was telling Ron the other night... I put so much energy and focus into the things that I do and the directions I take. Just when I think I have found the path that I want to travel down, suddenly, I'm at a dead end. The path is gone, and I am lost. I feel like I have to start all over again. Forge a new path... but so much of my energy has been wasted, it is so hard to know where to begin. And just as hard is trying to make people understand. Understand why I'm just so bummed out. Why, despite good fortunes and happy times, I feel inadequate. I have spent much of the past few days with tears just below the surface. And I wasn't sure until this moment if I would even share that here. I am nothing if not honest, and try as I might, I can't be rosey all the time.

I am happy (and releaved) to have the distraction of the holidays and I know I just need to be kind to myself. I need to let go of certain expectations and welcome what the universe has in store for me next. I can't help but think that I can't just wait around for something to happen though. I need/want to put my energy into something to feel like *me*. I feel the need to trudge... to push through... to put one foot in front of the other... to keep moving.  

I'm going to go to the studio after a walk this morning. It will be my first time there since I packed my car with my booth and set off for Chicago. I am a little nervous about being in the space. It is hard to describe the energy that place holds for me. I know there will be a ghost of my hopeful spirit lingering in the twinkle lights and I'm not sure I can face it yet. Deadlines must be met though, and my love for my studio is strong enough to overpower the disappointment.  

One little step at a time. I know.

12 comments:

Barbara said...

hang in there. your feelings are not at all atypical. I went through the same thing a few months back. It just takes a little time. <3

Alice said...

Your feelings are normal so please don't beat yourself up for being emotional about this experience.

You can be proactive about it by sending them a letter expressing your feelings, getting together with other local artists and hosting your own show, doing your own home show, and researching other shows that fit your needs. It's like hopping back on that horse that just bucked you off. Sure, you've got a sore bum, and wouldn't want to hop on that same horse again, but down the road I'm betting you'll be ready to try another horse, one that fits your personality and your dreams.

Doing shows can be so fun, so I hope you don't ditch the idea entirely.

Julie said...

I hope some of that leftover hopefulness lands on you while you're there. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be sad before you can move on...

TesoriTrovati said...

You can push through this Miss Kerry. We all have these feelings. And it is good to articulate them. I just wrote a post about choices. And in researching my own writing this seems to be a recurring theme for me. One of these days I will push myself to make the chance happen rather than wait for it. I hope you find the creative peace that you are seeking.

Enjoy the day.
Erin

Beads2Die4 said...

Thanks for sharing all you have been sharing. I have had the same experience of joy and hopefulness with my work only to be let down when it doesn't get the attention I thought it would. I once went to a show in a Federal Building - was right by the door and people were coming and going like mad with not a one of them even stopping to look. It was as if I were invisible. I think your work is amazing. I have to think it was just not an audience that values art jewelry. I also think allowing the full expression of a disappointment, including tears is awesome. It just feels so good and cleansing. So does driving by myself on a country road and, well, just letting myself scream:)

deehebard said...

I know that through this darkness...you will find the light. Maybe just focus on you for just a few moments...make something for you that will bri g you back to the light. You are in my thoughts...

Francesca said...

One thing that a bad show can't take from you is all of the beautiful things you made. You are an inspiration to me.

Diana P. said...

Kerry, I appreciate your honesty on your blog. After my crappy show a couple weeks back I wrote the promoter a letter about why I would not be back next year. Once that letter was in the mail I felt better.

Today though, as my kiln was firing I just sat and made mostly simple round beads and it actually felt good. So head back into your studio, take a deep breath and do what you love. ::hugs::

Pretty Things said...

Being a veteran of shows, I know how a bad one can affect you. But you are talented, fast at doing everything, are successful at everything you do (this show aside, but it was the show, not you) -- you need to realize that and how much so many people would like to have just a smidge of that talent and skill.

I also agree with Alice that you should send a letter to the show. It's one I'd planned on aiming for and now I'm horribly disappointed to hear how it really is. Goes to show that slick magazine ads do not a show make. Maybe ACC next?

Erin said...

I know it feels like you wasted time and energy on the path you chose, but you didn't at all. You had two paths you were interested in going down. You chose one and you went down it. Let me ask you this, if you had chosen the other path first and everything was going fine, wouldn't you have looked back and wondered about this one? Wondering what it could have held for you. Yes, yes, I think you would have, my friend. You had to have this experience. It was needed. How else would you have known, short of looking through a crystal ball? Sometimes we have to find out what isn't for us to figure out what is. And then we have so much more appreciation for the right stuff when we've experienced some of the not-so-right stuff. Kerry, you are someone I admire greatly. You've had so much wonderful success in your creative career. You've accomplished much and You have been able to bring it all into your life. I find that so inspiring.

quiltingjewel39 said...

I am sorry this was such a disappointment and I agree with Francesca that just because that show was bad - it can't take away the beauty of your work. You work hard and put your soul into it and it's still beautiful work. That show just wasn't right. Please keep up the beautiful work you do. Go to your studio and enjoy it then come home and enjoy your beautiful family.

Spirited Earth said...

Both Lori and Erin's post have great points.
This show clearly has taken a "quality" nose dive..
Big shows are Hard to do,huge investments, not only of money, but a great chunk of your life is commited to the preparations..
it's only natural to be depressed and angry that this one was not as advertised.
I came to the conclusion that shows are not for me..even though i've usually done well..but these big shows seem to be too much of an "all your eggs in one basket" sort of thing, for my liking.
You'll shake yourself out of this funk before long and get back on track with something that will be wonderful and more satisfying.