Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I feel like my "recovery" for that show is going to take longer than I thought.
I was telling Ron the other night... I put so much energy and focus into the things that I do and the directions I take. Just when I think I have found the path that I want to travel down, suddenly, I'm at a dead end. The path is gone, and I am lost. I feel like I have to start all over again. Forge a new path... but so much of my energy has been wasted, it is so hard to know where to begin. And just as hard is trying to make people understand. Understand why I'm just so bummed out. Why, despite good fortunes and happy times, I feel inadequate. I have spent much of the past few days with tears just below the surface. And I wasn't sure until this moment if I would even share that here. I am nothing if not honest, and try as I might, I can't be rosey all the time.
I am happy (and releaved) to have the distraction of the holidays and I know I just need to be kind to myself. I need to let go of certain expectations and welcome what the universe has in store for me next. I can't help but think that I can't just wait around for something to happen though. I need/want to put my energy into something to feel like *me*. I feel the need to trudge... to push through... to put one foot in front of the other... to keep moving.
I'm going to go to the studio after a walk this morning. It will be my first time there since I packed my car with my booth and set off for Chicago. I am a little nervous about being in the space. It is hard to describe the energy that place holds for me. I know there will be a ghost of my hopeful spirit lingering in the twinkle lights and I'm not sure I can face it yet. Deadlines must be met though, and my love for my studio is strong enough to overpower the disappointment.
One little step at a time. I know.