Confession: I had a tantruming two-year old style Momma-meltdown the other day.
I think it had been building for a while. I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed, I have been feeling hurt both phsyically and emotionally (literally and figuatively), I have felt restless and anxious, I have felt bored and aimless, and mix all that up with total lack of self esteem and feelings that I am a sloth, made for a rather tearful event. The straw that broke my back was the state of my studio. Seriously, look at it, do you think anyone would want anything to do with a space looking like THAT while feeling like I was?
Way back, during February break (or was it Christmas break?), I had this idea. I was hating on my studio back then too. It reminds me all too much of a dungeon. So, I had an idea to transform the dungeon by covering up the most dungeon-like wall with a new bookcase and desk. Any metal smithing I do tends to happen on the floor and who wants to hammer on a cold concrete floor all the time? This was gonna be my new awesome metal smithing area. I sketched Ron a picture of what I wanted. I am deathly afraid of being cut to smitherines by a circular saw, so while most of the time I do things myself, this had to involve him. He bought all the boards and set out to build his vision. Yeah, his vision, not really mine. And when we started to bicker about how the project was progressing, the project stopped dead in it's tracks.
My studio has been completely chaotic for months, but I have delt with it. Until this weekend where I set to begging and pleading with Ron to finish the project. And he did, but I hated it. Looking back, I realize, I didn't hate the project, I hated everything else that has been going wrong lately. Granted he built storage shelves instead of bookcase, but is that really any reason to burst into tears and exclaim that I think I don't wanna make jewelry anymore? Yeah, that is what I told him. And honestly, I think meant it. But only in that instant, though. It is a feeling that comes up more often than I care to admit. I put a lot of pressure on myself and it gets to me. I know that it is all self imposed, and that no one is perfect, but still.
Deep down, I know that I don't want to give up making jewelry. I love making jewelry! But it takes time to work back to that place mentally. Ya know what I mean? Passion for something doesn't just happen. You need to have the spark and then nurture that spark. You have to feed the fire and make it roaring blaze. If you neglect your fire tending, the fire can burn out and you need to build it back up again. Right? Right. I think that is what has been slowly happening over the past few weeks, nah, months. My fire has fizzled and it needs to be tended.
I started working on that yesterday. I went back to the scene of the meltdown and set to making the place presentable. I need a clean slate. A place to start fresh. And I dabbled a little and hammered a bit while I was there. I am not back to a place of bliss yet, but I am starting to feel a bit better. It is all about the ebb and flow, right? You have to take what comes, acknowledge it, and make the best of what you have. Since my meltdown on Sunday, I have had some rather sleepless nights where my mind has been trying to digest all those feelings that came up. I have been asking myself why I get like this, why I am so hard on myself, what direction I want to go in next? I am not sure of the answer to any of the questions, but I think that is okay.
I'll figure the answers out eventually.