I have a feeling that this is going to be a bit of a run on, rambling post. I am feeling a bit scattered in the brain and that always comes through in my writing. I started and stopped this post in my head all through the night. Yep, I think about writing while trying to sleep. Doesn't everybody?
Half the posts I thought of I would mention my latest post on Watch Me Create, show you the latest project I started knitting (photo above), and/or tell you some other "fluffy" thing. The other half are ones where things aren't fluffy at all, because frankly, there is nothing rainbows and unicorns about my mood right now. And it isn't that I am depressed or anything, it is something else... something that is hard to put my finger on.
I have mentioned a few times this summer that I have a lot of pent up energy. Creative energy that is itching to get out. With out the "me" time I need to let that energy do what it wants to do, it is turning into frustration. I think now though, over the past week or so, as the time for "me" time starts to get within reach (school starts next Wednesday), that frustration is turning into a very insecure anxiety. I wonder... "where do I start?" "what should I make?" "my 'stuff' feels boring... what if I don't have any new ideas?"
I *know* things will work out, but as I was told at one of Andrew's therapy appointments, knowing something and being able to spit it back at someone is very different than taking it in and really letting it change the way you think. Right now, my thinking is stuck. Though I am surprised I am coming right out and admitting it. I don't usually do that. I usually think myself into being fine. I consider myself a very patient person when it comes to thinking like that. Do you know what I mean? I don't have patience about a lot of things... but being able to wait for things to be fine... that I can do.
Life never stays the way it is for very long anyway. It is always changing and new things are around every corner. *sigh*... see, I told you this would be a scattered post... just when I think I am getting to a point, I lose it and my mind travels off in a different direction. I am guessing that is how my mind copes with my life. It doesn't let me dwell too long. I think I will take the kids raspberry picking today.
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5 comments:
hang in there kerry...keep your focus and do ONE thing today for YOU only...just ONE thing, a bath, a walk, whatever YOU enjoy...me time is important, i hear you on that...something i work to do as often as i can which is hard with kids, husband and life stuff...
btw...your new knitting project looks beautiful...love the color...i hope it is for YOU!...
funny - i've never heard anyone else describe that being able to wait for things to be fine, which i guess is like 'this, too, will pass' only a unique way of saying it!
and it's one of my primary coping mechanisms - that plus, "hmmm, i'm not fine now - what do i think would it take to get to fine?" and mostly being able to move toward that in some small way.
both of which are pretty useful for maintaining mental health - for which i bet you are as thankful as i am if you've known people who couldn't wait for (or work toward) fine.
i really enjoy your blog - it's one i stop by several times a week. thanks!
Do that which makes your soul happy and your heart smile. I know exactly where you are. I am there too. Consider this a hug. Hang in there.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
school is in sight... i am in total sync with that feeling of wanting to do so many things but not having the time to do it... i love having the kids home and around, but haven't been able to sit down and do anything that i want to do (or very little of it) because they deserve my attention, and there is always, 'hey, mom?' hope that will help you begin to settle mentally and focus... and, yes, i do begin to 'write' my blogs while i lay in bed at night...
I write ALL the TIME in my head at night -- you're in good company! ;-)
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