Thursday, March 18, 2010
After that very early morning start yesterday, the day turned into a rather interesting one. I had all these intentions of getting so much done but turns out that wasn't what was really in store for the day.
So, to start, I spent an awful long time surfing the web and visiting favorite blogs and finding new ones. It reminded me again, how much photos can really fire me up. I see so many images that make me say "THAT, that is what I want my photos to look like... how does she do that?" I don't know if I ever told you this, but I took photography in high school, so I actually know what ISO, f-stop, and shutter speed are, though I may not remember their proper definitions and how to control them. I really really wanted, in an instant yesterday morning, to find a good e-course on photography. I was like my kids when they go into mission mode... must.find.what.I.want.or.all.is.lost. kinda mission mode. Alas, I didn't find what I want. But I did read a lot about what many of the e-courses out there do with combining learning techniques with learning more about yourself through photos and writing projects. With encouragement from friends, and some tips about camera settings I set about my house, in the low morning light and took some photos. And all turned out rather dull. Why? I think because I wasn't really connected to the moment.
I am so very easily distracted on days like yesterday. My fatigue weakens my ability to focus and reel my wants for the day into one place. So, I ended up chatting on the phone with friends (love that!), instead of working...I took more pictures instead of cleaning... and I finally got to the point where I decided to embrace my scatter-brain for the day and go for a walk. And, I decided to make an assignment of it and bring my camera along.
The weather yesterday was incredible, just awesome. There was crystal blue skies, the sun was so warm (the first 60+degree day of the year), and I opened the doors and windows to let that springiness in, before heading out the door myself. So there I was, walking in my favorite Converse One-Stars, feeling the warmth on my very very pale skin, just taking it all in. I looked around me and tried to seek out what was "me" in the "around me". I am going to be very honest here... there wasn't anything I wanted to photograph apart from that blue sky.
I think what I discovered about myself on that walk is that I am not a spring loving girl. This time of year is very ugly to me. The grass is all muddy and matted from the melting snow with stones from the road half way up every ones lawn. There is trash everywhere and when you take a deep breath it smells of damp and rot around you (maybe that was because it was trash collection day though). The only birds chirping where crows and their caws were eerie. There wasn't a leaf to be seen or a flower to be found. Life isn't here yet. And what I was seeing made me think of death and neglect not hope and life returning. As I walked I tried not to dwell on the despair I started to feel and I thought more on what the other seasons make me feel. Summer has a hurried vibrancy, Fall has a gathering warmth, and Winter has an almost comforting solitude about it. Fall is my favorite by far, and I hope that I will remember to take this same walk then, and have a comparison of the two times of year, and my feelings on it for you.
The walk I set out on was about 3.5miles and since I wasn't finding things around me to take photos of, as I walked I decided to take photos of myself. I am sure the passing cars thought it odd that a girl in a bright red sweater and jeans was holding a camera in the air and pointing at herself. But who cares? These two photos capture things that I will shyly say I like about myself. Yes, I say it shyly. I don't like sounded arrogant and full of myself saying look at me, look at me, I think I am awesome. First, in the top photo, my hair. I love the color, I love the shininess, I love when I can pull it into two messy buns, and I love it so much that I am getting it cut today, LOL. (but not a lot, just a trim) In the bottom photo I tried to catch the sun on my shoulders. I loved that warmth yesterday, and I have always like my shoulders, LOL... a silly part of your body to like, yes, but that is me.
As I said, I am being honest here, and I could tell you that I felt wonderful by the time I got home from my walk, but that would be a lie. I was miserable. I felt horrible, not physically, the exercise felt good, but I felt it emotionally. I was in a down right rotten mood. Rotten, I say! So, I did the only thing I know helps when my mood is rotten, I turned to jewelry. I brought some wire up out of my dungeon studio, and sat in the living room with the windows open and wired. By the time the kids got home, I was exhausted but feeling better. We chatted in the sun with the neighbors while swinging on play sets no longer covered in snow. And I enjoyed some boiled cabbage and cornbeef, even if no one else did, lol (why can't kids taste the goodness in a chunk of boiled cabbage?). All in all, an interesting day.