Friday, September 21, 2007

Internal Debates

The other day my friend Lindsey blogged about guilt and bliss. Or rather letting go of guilt and following your bliss. It has stuck with me the past few days and for lack of anything else to write about, I figured I would take up the blogging torch she lit and continue the discussion here.

So... I won't ask if you carry on internal dialog... I think everyone does. I even go so far as to have full internal conversations with people before I actually see them. LOL! It is very much along the lines of conversation "prep". You think of what you think someone will say and you think what you think you will respond with and then you think what you think they will say back to that. Sometimes it makes conversations sound a little rehearsed when you actually get to have them with the person... but most of the time things never go how they do in my head.

Sometimes I think it comes from having too much time on my hands, but then again, I don't have much time on my hands. But maybe it is the lack of a lot of social interactions. I have friends, I get to see them from time to time, but for the most part I bum around my house with my kids, creating things to my hearts content, while washing dishes (yeah, the stupid dishwasher isn't fixed yet, ggrrrrr) folding laundry and that sort of thing.

Along with these internal dialogs, I have lots of internal debates. Weighing options, arguing points.... I often even go so far as to change the subject on myself when I can't think of what else to tell myself, lol. Kind of like when you are in an awkward situation and you don't want to get involved with whatever is going on so you just change the subject.

For me, I think all the talking to myself that is going on in my head helps keep me sane. Although I know how very insane it sounds. Today, I went back and forth all day about what I should do for my free time while Lauren is at school. It went a little something like this...

Me: Hmmm... resining paper... resin it to canvas... oh then pen and ink drawing... swirling scrolls... layers of colors... pinks and reds... (I wish I could explore more sides my artistic mind)

Other Me: I need to fill this order and that order... make beads in this color... and don't forget to order that color glass... what am I going to blog about, I wonder if anyone left comments yesterday, I better check... so... I need to drop off Lauren, ramp the kiln, dip mandrels, make beads...

Me: OR... I could run to Michael's, get some canvas and have them here to play around next week...

Other Me: but those people are waiting for their orders....

Another Me: why are you even considering getting new stuff... you just bought a ton of fabric to make clothes for Lauren for Fall... maybe I should cut some patterns out...

Other Me: I really need to get a jump on those orders and nail down exactly what I want to make for the Gallery...

Me, again: Oh... and that book I got the other day on felting... I need to draw out those new ideas for mixed media brooches... what colors for those... Gang if they turn out half as nice as what I see in my head they are going to be gorgeous!

Most of this was going on around noon, when I was loading Lauren in the car and heading to the post office before preschool. I eventually convinced myself that I shouldn't buy canvases (at least not today) and literally forced myself to drive back home from preschool and not head over to the plaza with the Target, JoAnns and Old Navy is, lol. Then the internal debate started again as I sat in front of the torch... lol. I couldn't decide what I wanted to work on... the special orders I took (even though I told myself I wasn't going to make custom things anymore)... new necklace design... experiment with hollows (I made my first one the other day I am so psyched!)... oh.. maybe BANG Gal beads.

Eventually, laying on the couch and reading for an hour won out. I don't know where I am going with this... like internal dialog, this whole post is very much a 'train of though' posting. I am just going with it, alright. Why fight the dialog? If I escape for a little while... let my subconscious work on things for a while... maybe I will figure out what the hell I wanna do and the lights will go on and I'll slide right into my creative groove and have debates about other things like... hmmm... cake or ice cream for dessert tonight...

Please feel free to comment and share your internal debates... I would love to hear about it!!

Oh, and today's image... some of my "old school" art... not figurative "old school", literally "old school". It is a pen and ink drawing I did in 11th grade. It is small, only about 4x6. I have kept it all these years (about 12yrs since I was in 11th gr). It is one of my favorites. I thought the figure in the lower left corner fit the post for today.

2 comments:

WillowLuna said...

Kerry-I love the drawing! And I finally could relate to the waking in the middle of the night with ideas! L4 awoke around 2am crying(seems to be a habit for her lately), and I lay in bed thinking of designs for bags of various purposes. But I wasn't wide awake/need to go get it on paper. Thanks again for our meeting. I have more questions now! :)

Leslie said...

Geez Kerry, what you wrote about is my life! I'm always "in my head" and it's a pret-ty noisy experience. I must agree with the "playing conversations in your head" technique. That was given to me years ago by a great therapist and it really works! I'm one of those "10 minutes after the fact" people who always knows what to say 10 minutes after the conversation. Sooooooo, visualizing every scenario works! I think creative minds are like this. We've got so much going on in our heads that it's hard to get anything done! I've tried writing it down to "get it out of my head" so to speak, but then I lose the list! UGH! :) Hey! Neato drawing as well. Looks like it'd make a nice notecard. Have a super day! Blessings,